If I Knew Then What I Know Now…Part One

 Rant:

Until a few weeks ago, it had been quite a while since I thought,  “Boy, if I knew then what I know now!” It happened at my 50th year high school reunion the beginning of August.  Reunions can be benchmarks of growth in one’s life. Wouldn’t you agree? If you have gone to a reunion of any sort, haven’t you walked away thinking, ‘Wow, I never would have thought that about that person/circumstance/situation.’ I am very proud of how far I’ve come.  And maybe, just maybe, if I share some of my insights after leaving my reunion I can make a difference in some one else’s life.

What I wish I did not do:

-Smoke!  Geez, what was I thinking.  It definitely impacted my skin.  And, who knows what it did to my insides.

-Be totally focused on the popular kids: trying to act, dress and talk like them.  And even after all that, I never felt accepted nor did I find my own identity.

-Boys, boys, boys.  Need I say more?

-Let the stigma of growing up in a single parent environment in the 50’s and early 60’s, run a lot of my life.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/30/growing-up-under-the-divorce-cloud

-Put my education way down the list of priorities and importance.

-Make assumptions about people based strictly on appearance.

-Ignore a compliment.

-Complain profusely about having to work at age 16 every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

 

Rave:

What I’m glad I did do:

 

-Listened to mom when she told me to moisturize every time I washed my face.

 

-Walked or rode my bike everywhere, swam at the local pool and skated on an iced parking lot all winter long.  Exercise. It’s second nature to me now.

-The boy who broke my heart in high school told me he peaked at 17 and has yet to find himself!! I’m glad we never married!!

-Started work at 16.  It taught me a work ethic that has served me well, throughout my entire professional life.

-Realized that if my Dad was in the picture, I never would have the wonderful, intimate relationship I have with my mom for a variety of reasons.

-Learned I never fit in with (who I thought) the popular kids were because I did not accept myself. It had nothing to do with them.  I went on my own personal journey.  That journey has taught me, don’t judge a book by it’s cover!

-Be thankful that even though education did not feel like a priority especially in high school, I received a wonderful education that has inspired me to be a life-long student.

-Learned to accept a compliment.

Attitude:

 

When I hear myself saying, “If I knew then what I know now”, I seem to follow it with, “Well, you didn’t so what difference does it make?” I realize life is a process, and if I knew EVERYTHING at 14 years old what would be the point of it all!!  Life is an adventure and if one chooses to be open to it, a constant source of “AHA!” moments that are woven together to create a unique tapestry called YOU!

STAYED TUNED FOR: IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW…PART TWO  I have asked some exquisite women to write what they would say to their 35-ish selves today. I can’t wait!!!

Originally posted 2015-08-30 18:04:48.

Take Care of Yourself. The Ultimate Gift.

RANT:

“Parents do expect their children will take care of them when they get older. Pamela.  The truth is many children don’t.”  That is what a social worker friend said to me in 1988 when I talked to her about my plan. I was living in Dallas, did not have children and wasn’t going to. My plan was to gather others who did not have children, form a group, get to know one another so we could rely on each other as we aged.  The above response from my friend floored me.  I said, “Huh? That can’t be right.  Who doesn’t take care of their parents?” “More people than you can imagine,” was her response.

I have seen firsthand how children respond to parents who expect to be taken care of by them.  It’s not pretty.  In this particular case, the mother had taken care of her mother and assumed the daughter would do the same for her.  The mother let her independence go when her husband passed away.  That included giving up driving before she needed to give it up.  As a friend of mine said, “It goes to show how out of touch the mother is with today’s world.”  I agree with my friend’s observation.  The daughter, who is in her early 70’s, has a husband, daughters and grandchildren.  She has a life of her own.  I know how much I dig in my heels when someone ‘expects’ that I respond a certain way! I REBEL.  That’s exactly what the daughter did.  How would you feel?

 

RAVE:

When I explained the above situation to my 95-year-old mother she said, “I was just as shocked when I moved to Florida and got a first hand look at friends whose children were not involved in their lives.  I personally can not imagine you and Linda not being in my life, however, parents should never expect to be taken care of by their kids.” Every time Mom has let my sister and me know that she has gone to the gym, paid all her bills, hired a handyman to fix things, made friends with folks who ultimately call her to make sure she is doing well, de-cluttered her home, updated her will, paid for her funeral arrangements (it’s reality folks), used her long-term health care policy to hire an aide for 6 hours a day…and the list goes on,  we are relieved.  And a voice inside of me says, “Thank you Mom.  Now, what can I do for you?”

 

ATTITUDE:

What I learned from that conversation in 1988 is whether you have children or not, taking care of yourself to the best of your ability is the ultimate gift!  Do whatever it takes to keep, or get, your own house in order.  There are many websites dedicated to physical, mental and spiritual health, finances, insurance and more. Study them.  Use them.

Listed below are a few of my favorites:

nextavenue.org: Where Grown-ups Keep Growing

seniorplanet.org: Aging with Attitude

prevention.com: Information about getting fit, losing weight and living healthier lives

aarp.org: Information on estate planning-living wills-trusts-inheritance

intentionswork.com: Leave a legacy of love

nealedonaldwalsch.com: Daily Inspiration

yogajournal.com: Learn to meditate and yoga transformation

lifepathretreats.com: Integrative Wellness Center and B&B

 

The ultimate gift is that by taking care of yourself now, you and all those who are close to you can breathe a sigh of relief and live long and unencumbered lives.

 

Originally posted 2015-07-27 02:01:31.

10 Tips To Tell That You’ve Grown Up

Rant:

 

I am saying ‘grown up’ not grown old!  Big difference.  Remember when you used to fight with your siblings, or a friend, and they’d say, “Oh, why don’t you grow up?” I don’t know about you but I’d usually yell back, ” I AM GROWN UP!!!!” That’s when I was like 12!!  HA! Who knew there was a lot more to learn!  I rebelled.  I fought back.  That was being a grown up, right? I frankly did not have a clue what I was doing.  I plowed through decisions without thinking of the consequences.  And, there were a lot of consequences.  I loved to shock people, among them my twin sister.  If I could get her to yell, “PAMELA”, I knew I’d reached my goal of totally being obnoxious, and in my opinion, grown up!

Rave:

 

My last blog post, 8 Ways To Leave A Lasting Impression spoke of how older generations(grown ups) can leave a lasting impression on younger generations.  On a Friday afternoon many years ago, my algebra (UGH!) teacher, Mr. Scott,  asked me to stay after class. This hulk of a man (he was over 6 feet tall) pulled up a chair very close to my face and said, ‘So you think your antics in class are funny?  You think chewing gum, talking and being sent to the assistant principal’s office (often), is being grown up? Well, it’s not.  You have all the potential in the world and you’re throwing it away. Being an adult takes courage.  It means being responsible for your actions.  Now leave.  And, if you want to continue in my class, you’ll think long and hard about what I said before I see you again’. YIKES!  First of all, no one had ever said I had potential. Did Mr. Scott’s in-my-face confrontation send me down the more grown up path? Well, yes and no.  Did I have the courage to take a hard look at myself?  A little bit.  Did I ever act up again?  No.

I thought ‘being grown up’ meant I had to conform. I did in many ways. I didn’t like it. I shrank. I struggled to fit in…that meant trying to be accepted by the popular girls…which never happened, and of course, I took personally.

Attitude:

In the Washington Post magazine dated May 24, 2015, an essay by Jim Sollisch, a creative director at an ad agency in Cleveland, writes about an audacious decision he made in the 9th grade, and “marvels at the boldness of my decision…that wasn’t driven by principle as much as by ego and impulse, two things we learn to control as we become adults.” In  The Day I Stood Up to the Man  Sollisch says, “Humans are hard-wired to seek social approval, to join groups.  We are conformists who create norms for every organization we form, no matter how small.”  He wonders, “…what ideas I might not have censored, what risky paths I might have taken.  I’ll never know, but as I grow older, I grow younger.  I care less about what others think…I am inspired by the ghost of my former self…”

 

So, how can you tell when you’ve grown up?

 

-Are there audacious moves you have made that would make your ‘former self’ proud?

-Do you play with abandonment? Examples include: Dancing (even if you think you’re not good at it), singing (same as dancing), traveling somewhere you’ve never been, saying ‘yippee’, ‘wahoo’, ‘yaaaaaaaa’ often?

-Do you treat yourself?

-Do you know that not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay?

-Do you ask for what you want?

-Do you forgive your shortcomings? And, other people’s?

-Do you take responsibility for your actions?

-Have you stopped blaming your parents for how you were raised?

-Have you taken a risk now and then?

-Do you not conform to what society says you should, ‘be like’ ‘act like’ ‘look like’ ‘dress like’

at a certain age?

My 50th year high school reunion is coming up this August.  I would love to see Mr. Scott so I could tell him he set me on the path to being a grown-up and it only took me until I was 68 to figure out that I think I’ve arrived. “WAHOO,”  she says with reckless abandon!!

And you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Originally posted 2015-05-25 22:13:51.

8 Ways to Leave a Lasting Impression

Rant:

I have written about rebelling against the perception that when we reach a certain age, in the eyes of society, we no longer have much to contribute, see: Three Reasons to Revive Your Inner Boomer Well, the heck with society! There are ways we can circumvent that idea. We can leave a permanent mark on this world, on our children, grandchildren, friends and relations. In other words, we can leave a lasting impression.

What do I mean by leaving a lasting impression? To me it can be a shared thought, a deed, a profound experience, like the way someone shows up in a particular situation, that causes others to shift their actions, shift the way they show up, forever.

 

Rave:

We are all aware of people who made lasting impressions on us, whether famous or every day folks. I have a feeling if given the opportunity to ask who influenced them, they would have said their mom, dad, teacher, grandparents, preacher.  I started New Age Aging to share the lasting impressions my 95-year-old Mother has instilled in me and many others. See: When “Do As I Say becomes “Do As I Do”.

Producer Brian Grazer (Splash, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind) was interviewed by contributor Scott Simon on CBS Sunday Morning, March 29th, 2015: Brian Graser’s “Curious Mind”.  Simon states, “Grazer had trouble reading as a boy, but his grandmother Sonia didn’t just see the D’s and F’s on his report card.”  “She identified my strength which was to ask questions, to dig inside of subjects, to dig inside of people.  She told me that would have a great value in my life. And it did”, Grazer says, as he chokes up.

My step-son Jesse’s grandfather Herman was a sailor, magician and kid-at-heart.  He taught Jesse how to sail, how to do magic and much more.  Judging from the tattoo that Jesse has honoring Herman, it says everything it needs to say about the influence this man had on his grandson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Impressions that change our lives can come from not so positive places, too.  When I was 5 years old my Dad’s dad was bemoaning all the regrets he had in his life.  I remember saying to myself right then, “that will never happen to me.”  It was the beginning of my rebellious nature. Thanks, grandpa!

 

Attitude:

How can you create lasting impressions in your life?

–Do what you say you are going to do. Come from a place of integrity.

–Be curious. Take risks.

–Give back to this world.  Mentor.

–Look for the strengths in people. Tell them.

–Know that words are a powerful tool.  Use them wisely.

–Honor yourself and others: old, young, gay, straight, black, white,…

–Play, play, play.  Let them see the child within you.

–And, most importantly, live your best life…with few regrets.

If we can embrace these attitudes, I’m pretty sure we will have accomplished our goal: To say to those who would make us invisible…”GOTCHA!”

 

(Leaving a lasting impression is different from your legacy. Ann Ranson at intentionswork.com encourages people to gather, celebrate and share their stories. This is an intimate and loving gift to their families.)

 

 

Originally posted 2015-05-04 09:55:04.