Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men

Rant:

Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men

**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.

My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.

It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!

I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.

When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.

I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.

Rave:

Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men

Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.

When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.

This is what was written inside:

What Women Taught Me About Men

!) Women teach men how to treat them.

2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:

For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”

It’s probably true.

3) Try not to be available all the time.

4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.

5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.

6) If you assume a role:

Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.

you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.

7) Do not give up your friends.

8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.

9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.

10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.

A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.

Attitude:

Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men

I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.

Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.

Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:

If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.

I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.

It felt good to pass it on.

Age Perfect: What It Is and Isn’t!

Rant:

Age Perfect. What it is and Isn’t:

Madge Hardcastle played by Celia Imrie in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel said:

“…I don’t want to grow older. I don’t want to be the first person they let off the plane in a hostage crisis.”

Ha!

Well one thing age perfect isn’t is wishing we were younger.  That seems quite obvious but is it?  Often we find ourselves in situations where the notion of wishing we were younger pops up. I totally get there are things about being younger that many of us wish for and with good reason! I asked my husband what he wished aging wasn’t.  Among other things, it was getting out of bed with the aches and pains! Very honestly for me, I wish that after the kids are gone and the job is over your libido came roaring back!!

The whole idea of wishing to be younger is not a comfortable one.  It isn’t for me.  I think to myself, “Knowing what I know now, wouldn’t it be fun to go back?” Then the reality hits, if I went back, I wouldn’t know what I know now!!  DUH!  It doesn’t work that way.

A baby shower was held for the owner of the gym my friend attends.  The conversation was about jobs, having children and material things.  My friend felt like she was back in high school being left out.  It was then she had an ‘aha’ moment: jobs, having children and things are not that important to her anymore.  She gravitated to a woman who was closer to her age. Consequently they had a lot in common.  No more feeling left out.

Rave:

 

Age Perfect.  What it is:

Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh says:

Attitude:

Age Perfect.  What it is:

The following article written by Jordi Lippe-McGraw, a millennial, recognized ‘age perfect’ when she saw it!  Don’t let the title fool you! It’s an empowering piece.  Please read it.

https://www.oyster.com/articles/54029-4-reasons-why-young-folks-should-go-on-an-old-people-cruise/

I’m adding to Jordi’s list of reasons we are a pretty great group of “old people”…

• Acceptance of things we can not change frees us to ‘be where we are’
• We honor the value of our experiences
• Our focus on what is important changes from ‘things’ to relationships
• Gratitude increases
• We just don’t care that much what other people think of us

What does age perfect mean to you?  Let me know!

 

 

 

Originally posted 2016-07-04 18:21:02.

5 Reasons To Believe in Love After 50!

Rant:

I am writing 5 reasons to believe in love after 50 in response to an article I read recently: http://gateway-women.com/but-what-if-i-dont-want-to-wear-purple-when-im-old/.  Although Jody Day’s blog was started in 2011 to support women who are childless (not by choice), which I also relate to, this particular post talks mainly about her having to grieve once again.  This time the grief is related to feeling invisible to men after 50.

I will go a step further and say that after a certain age, the whole lot of us become invisible.  The awareness of that feeling can leave a person with such a sense of ‘ugh’ in the pit of their stomach.  I’ve been there.

While I can relate to Jody’s sense of grief, a day came when I thought, “Hey, wait a minute, how rich and diverse and multi-layered I have become precisely due to the years I’ve been on this earth. No-one or anything can take that away from me, except me!!”  Hence, a major shift occurred.  It’s one of the main reasons I began this blog.

It’s noteworthy that there are people over 50 that relish their lives without a partner. I get that.  There are also people who read my blog that have been married for 20, 30, even 50 years, that are probably saying, ‘What the heck are you all thinking?’  HA!  Kidding…!

 

Rave:

5 reasons to believe in love after 50:

Me, Mom, Cindy, Beverly and one who shall remain anonymous!

ME– Once that ‘ugh’ left the pit of my tummy, my smile returned and so did my zest for living my best life. I took care of me first then everything else seemed to fall into place. Soon after joining a dating site (after 12 years of being single) I met Jake.  I was 55. He was only 2 years my junior and was looking for someone he could relate to.  The rest is history.

MOM–“I’m done cooking! The kitchen is closed!”  That’s what my 96-year-old Mom said when at age 80 she lost her husband.  She was done with marriage.  She was married over 30 years the second time around. Not that her marriage was bad.  It wasn’t.  Three years later, while walking out of a restaurant, she stopped to say hello to friends who were dining with a friend of theirs. As she walked away from their table, Bern, the friend, got up and  followed Mom out the door.  They were together for over 10 years. The dynamics were different this time around. Mom called him her “SO” (significant other). Mom asked Bern what made him run after her.  He said he was captivated by her smile.  He lived in his home and Mom lived in hers. They were in love until he passed away. And by the way, her kitchen remained closed!!

 

CINDY–I put Cindy in the category of women who for many years relished being single.  She has travelled and continues to travel all over the world.  She is a cyclist, avid reader, takes classes at a nearby college and has friends all over the place.  I know she wasn’t looking for a relationship. It found her.  Bruce cycles with her and others. Over a period of time something drew them to each other and BOOM…they are having a wonderful time.

BEVERLY–Dr. Beverly Nelson has a Ph.D in clinical psychology.  She is the founder and director of www.lifepathretreats.com in San Miguel de Allende Mexico.  Like Cindy, I have known Beverly for over 30 years. What a rich, textured, interesting life she leads.  Another exquisite woman who relished her single life until falling in love with Michael.  They were married in our home last year.

 

ONE WHO SHALL REMAIN ANONYMOUS–A friend who has never married, content with her life, her home, her community and her job found love and relationship after 50 with a man she had a crush on years ago.  They are having a wonderful adventure.

 

Attitude:

 

5 (more) reasons to believe in love after 50:

1. Never say never.  
2. It can happen to you if you want it to.
3. Realize men and women have the same desire to find someone they can relate to.
4. Be proud of the years of experience that make you you. 
5. There is nothing more attractive than a smile.  Find yours first, everything else will follow.

Most of all Jody, I hope these stories help inspire you.  You are an amazing writer and motivator.  You also live a textured, interesting life.   Grieve a little, then continue living your best life. I guarantee you the feeling of being invisible will become a thing of the past.

So, to all the Italian men you referenced in your blog…Look out!

Originally posted 2016-06-22 13:09:33.

Connection-How To Find It

Rave:

Connection-How to Find it.  I’m grateful Mom is a 96-year-old happy woman who still inspires so many. Grateful because if I read the article below, not knowing it doesn’t have to be that way, I’d be breathing in a bag right now:

http://www.nextavenue.org/boomers-less-tied-to-friends-and-family-than-others-are/

It states:

The most dramatic change in social engagement was observed in 55- to 64-year-olds. This cohort, which is nearing retirement, is not only engaging less with their communities, but they have fewer meaningful interactions with their spouses or partners and weaker ties to family and friends.

 

Mom grabs life any way she can.  Sister Linda and I live in Virginia and all of her friends and family are gone.  Connection is extremely important to her.  Whether it be eating breakfast at the same deli every morning because, “I have to see people every day” to walking around the common area at her condo to “be in touch with a little nature ” or knocking on a neighbor’s door to introduce herself.  She said hello to a family next door who had a little boy. She supported his school by buying wrapping paper and chocolate over the years. The last time I was there, that ‘little boy’ was 19 and home from his first year of college.  He saw Mom as we walked to our car, ran out of his house and gave her the biggest hug.  They talked for 15 minutes about college and his life. As I watched the two of them, I couldn’t help getting teary eyed. Mom was in heaven.  When we got in the car she said to me, “See, it doesn’t take much.”

Rant:

Connection is risky but at this point in our lives, we probably have taken a few risks along the way.  That’s why the article from http://www.nextavenue.org was jaw dropping. Really?  People disengage? YIKES!  A good friend said, “Risk taking is a conscious decision.” I agree. When we were younger, most of us thought less about the consequences associated with taking a risk. As time goes by, we tend to forget how elated and proud we were when something we jumped into worked out. It seems now we concentrate more on the “I think I’ll remain in my comfort zone because I don’t need to prove anything anymore” mode.

The questions we ask, before taking on something new or getting out of our comfort zones, change. 10 or 20 years ago we might have said, “What do I have to lose?” Now the questions become, What do I really want? What am I missing? Am I happy? If the answer, especially to the last question, is no, take a deep breath and dive right in.

 

(This portion taken from a previous blog dated March, 2014)

Connection:

Keeps you in touch with you

Keeps you interesting

Keeps you involved in life

Keeps you healthy

Keeps you engaged with others

Keeps you excited

Attitude:

How to find connection:

Volunteer. There are so many people in our age groups that are volunteering.  Even if you are an introvert, it’s a great way to connect with others of like mind.

Take a trip. Day trips, overnights, cruises, educational…So many trips out there.  I know people who have made life long friends from all over the world.

Go for a walk.  Nature is a wonderful feeling of connection.

Learn something new.  Everyone in a class is there because they want to learn something new, too.  Takes the scary out of trying it when you realize that.

Sample working with your hands. A friend of mine started knitting.  She’s in the knit shop all the time getting mistakes corrected and meeting others in her same situation.

Read.

Learn to dance.  Everyone is a novice.

Smile a lot.  People will be drawn to you.  I see it with Mom all the time.

Get a pet if you can.  Nothing like walking a dog to meet other people.

Knock on a neighbor’s door. I moved to Dallas Texas not knowing anyone.  My girlfriend, who drove to Texas with me said she was going next door to meet my neighbor so I would at least know someone.  NOOOOOOO, I said.  Believe it or not, I was quite the introvert and very shy. I practically tackled her!  Well, she did it anyway and it’s a good thing she did.  He knew everyone in the apartment complex and included me in all that was going on.  I learned right then if she had not made that move, I would have been so very lonely.  That lesson has served me well.

Join a team sport: After reading this post the day I published, a rowing buddy and my good friend Eleanor reminded me that 3 out of the 4 of us that rowed the Head of the Charles (a premier rowing regatta in Boston) had all begun rowing in our 50’s! How could I forget that!! When we started in our respective novice programs none of us knew what we were doing, but we have stuck with it. The camaraderie and team spirit we have developed between the four us as well as the rest of the team will last us a lifetime.

 

Please, please, please stay connected! What ever that looks like for you.  It will prolong your life.

Just look at Mom!

 

Originally posted 2016-06-14 20:35:38.