Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
10 Tips To Tell That You’ve Grown Up
Rant:
I am saying ‘grown up’ not grown old! Big difference. Remember when you used to fight with your siblings, or a friend, and they’d say, “Oh, why don’t you grow up?” I don’t know about you but I’d usually yell back, ” I AM GROWN UP!!!!” That’s when I was like 12!! HA! Who knew there was a lot more to learn! I rebelled. I fought back. That was being a grown up, right? I frankly did not have a clue what I was doing. I plowed through decisions without thinking of the consequences. And, there were a lot of consequences. I loved to shock people, among them my twin sister. If I could get her to yell, “PAMELA”, I knew I’d reached my goal of totally being obnoxious, and in my opinion, grown up!
Rave:
My last blog post, 8 Ways To Leave A Lasting Impression spoke of how older generations(grown ups) can leave a lasting impression on younger generations. On a Friday afternoon many years ago, my algebra (UGH!) teacher, Mr. Scott, asked me to stay after class. This hulk of a man (he was over 6 feet tall) pulled up a chair very close to my face and said, ‘So you think your antics in class are funny? You think chewing gum, talking and being sent to the assistant principal’s office (often), is being grown up? Well, it’s not. You have all the potential in the world and you’re throwing it away. Being an adult takes courage. It means being responsible for your actions. Now leave. And, if you want to continue in my class, you’ll think long and hard about what I said before I see you again’. YIKES! First of all, no one had ever said I had potential. Did Mr. Scott’s in-my-face confrontation send me down the more grown up path? Well, yes and no. Did I have the courage to take a hard look at myself? A little bit. Did I ever act up again? No.
I thought ‘being grown up’ meant I had to conform. I did in many ways. I didn’t like it. I shrank. I struggled to fit in…that meant trying to be accepted by the popular girls…which never happened, and of course, I took personally.
Attitude:
In the Washington Post magazine dated May 24, 2015, an essay by Jim Sollisch, a creative director at an ad agency in Cleveland, writes about an audacious decision he made in the 9th grade, and “marvels at the boldness of my decision…that wasn’t driven by principle as much as by ego and impulse, two things we learn to control as we become adults.” In The Day I Stood Up to the Man Sollisch says, “Humans are hard-wired to seek social approval, to join groups. We are conformists who create norms for every organization we form, no matter how small.” He wonders, “…what ideas I might not have censored, what risky paths I might have taken. I’ll never know, but as I grow older, I grow younger. I care less about what others think…I am inspired by the ghost of my former self…”
So, how can you tell when you’ve grown up?
-Are there audacious moves you have made that would make your ‘former self’ proud?
-Do you play with abandonment? Examples include: Dancing (even if you think you’re not good at it), singing (same as dancing), traveling somewhere you’ve never been, saying ‘yippee’, ‘wahoo’, ‘yaaaaaaaa’ often?
YAHOOOOOO!! My friend Heidi…loving life!
-Do you treat yourself?
-Do you know that not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay?
-Do you ask for what you want?
-Do you forgive your shortcomings? And, other people’s?
-Do you take responsibility for your actions?
-Have you stopped blaming your parents for how you were raised?
-Have you taken a risk now and then?
-Do you not conform to what society says you should, ‘be like’ ‘act like’ ‘look like’ ‘dress like’
at a certain age?
A pair of my 95 year old Mother’s shoes…
My 50th year high school reunion is coming up this August. I would love to see Mr. Scott so I could tell him he set me on the path to being a grown-up and it only took me until I was 68 to figure out that I think I’ve arrived. “WAHOO,” she says with reckless abandon!!
And you?
Originally posted 2015-05-25 22:13:51.
8 Ways to Leave a Lasting Impression
Rant:
I have written about rebelling against the perception that when we reach a certain age, in the eyes of society, we no longer have much to contribute, see: Three Reasons to Revive Your Inner Boomer Well, the heck with society! There are ways we can circumvent that idea. We can leave a permanent mark on this world, on our children, grandchildren, friends and relations. In other words, we can leave a lasting impression.
What do I mean by leaving a lasting impression? To me it can be a shared thought, a deed, a profound experience, like the way someone shows up in a particular situation, that causes others to shift their actions, shift the way they show up, forever.
Rave:
We are all aware of people who made lasting impressions on us, whether famous or every day folks. I have a feeling if given the opportunity to ask who influenced them, they would have said their mom, dad, teacher, grandparents, preacher. I started New Age Aging to share the lasting impressions my 95-year-old Mother has instilled in me and many others. See: When “Do As I Say becomes “Do As I Do”.
Producer Brian Grazer (Splash, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind) was interviewed by contributor Scott Simon on CBS Sunday Morning, March 29th, 2015: Brian Graser’s “Curious Mind”. Simon states, “Grazer had trouble reading as a boy, but his grandmother Sonia didn’t just see the D’s and F’s on his report card.” “She identified my strength which was to ask questions, to dig inside of subjects, to dig inside of people. She told me that would have a great value in my life. And it did”, Grazer says, as he chokes up.
My step-son Jesse’s grandfather Herman was a sailor, magician and kid-at-heart. He taught Jesse how to sail, how to do magic and much more. Judging from the tattoo that Jesse has honoring Herman, it says everything it needs to say about the influence this man had on his grandson.
Jesse and his grandpa Herman
Jesse’s tattoo. A magician’s top hat and wand, with the ‘chai’ symbol…to life
Impressions that change our lives can come from not so positive places, too. When I was 5 years old my Dad’s dad was bemoaning all the regrets he had in his life. I remember saying to myself right then, “that will never happen to me.” It was the beginning of my rebellious nature. Thanks, grandpa!
Attitude:
How can you create lasting impressions in your life?
–Do what you say you are going to do. Come from a place of integrity.
–Be curious. Take risks.
–Give back to this world. Mentor.
–Look for the strengths in people. Tell them.
–Know that words are a powerful tool. Use them wisely.
–Honor yourself and others: old, young, gay, straight, black, white,…
–Play, play, play. Let them see the child within you.
–And, most importantly, live your best life…with few regrets.
If we can embrace these attitudes, I’m pretty sure we will have accomplished our goal: To say to those who would make us invisible…”GOTCHA!”
(Leaving a lasting impression is different from your legacy. Ann Ranson at intentionswork.com encourages people to gather, celebrate and share their stories. This is an intimate and loving gift to their families.)
Originally posted 2015-05-04 09:55:04.
Embracing Change is Complicated
Rant:
In the 1988 Die Hard movie, John McClane (Bruce Willis) is crawling through an air vent, being shot at by bad guys, repeating his wife’s invitation with a tone of sarcasm, “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…” Yes, John McClane had to embrace change. He had no choice. Neither did I.
”Maybe we’ll re-do the kitchen this year. Paint a few walls…” That was my husband and me recalling what we said at the beginning of 2014, as we surveyed the damage to our home from a flood April 30th which destroyed our first floor and basement (we live in a 3 story townhouse). A storm catch basin owned by the City of Alexandria and located at the back of our property, became blocked and poured water into our home for 2 ½ hours. We lived in our third floor bedroom, along with our 90 pound dog Sam, from April 30th until the second week of December 2014. The City of Alexandria has claimed Sovereign Immunity, which basically means they think they are not liable for the damages. Add to that no flood insurance, the dust, the contractor issues, the noise, the close living quarters and it made for one heck of a 2014.
‘Wow, that’s quite a story,’ one could say, ‘ enough for one year.’ And they would be wrong.
This also happened in 2014:
My 94 year old Mother had a second hip replacement and had much more difficulty recuperating. We also had the ‘we don’t think you should be driving anymore’ conversation.
I lost a junior high school friend, in an instant, who had everything to live for.
My husband and I grew stronger as partners. We stuck together, got angry together, threw our hands up together and cried together.
I trained 5 days a week to row in a premiere East Coast race, called The Head of the Charles, in Boston, Mass. The pinnacle in many rowers’ careers.
Great friends and neighbors moved away.
With a friend’s encouragement, I walk/ran a 10K across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.
A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I rowed a 13 mile race with 7 great teammates and we won the gold medal for our category.
And, the hardest of all, our beloved Golden Retriever Sam died suddenly in December, one week after the last contractor walked out of the house.
Rave:
The day of the flood our neighbors came running with towels, grabbed furniture, the art, the dog, and got them out of the way preventing any further damage. Family and friends helped pack the house so we could move everything that wasn’t damaged into storage. Invites for dinner and drinks and offers of money (can you believe that!) kept us sane.
I raced the Charles with 3 incredible women who never stopped encouraging and challenging me. Our son and daughter-in-law, along with my husband and friends, came to Boston to cheer us on and celebrate our accomplishment.
I witnessed grace from my friend dealing with breast cancer.
I reconfirmed to myself that I was in good enough shape to place 21 out of 90, in my category, in the bridge race.
My mother is healthy, happy and living life to the fullest, with the help of an aide who has become a wonderful friend.
It was the first time that my husband and I cried together. We have known each other for 13 years. It was over the death of our Golden Retriever, Sam. The knowledge that we felt safe with each other to share our grief, raised our intimacy to a new level.
We had a memorable celebration on New Year’s Eve in a beautiful ‘new’ home that reflects both my husband and me.
Attitudes:
Embracing change is complicated. When things happen that are out of our control we feel vulnerable and powerless. I’ve gone from grief and despair to elation and excitement and back again.
What I learned is that every time I said ‘yes’ to something within my control, I took my power back. I found within those ‘yes’ moments I was more present and appreciative than I had been in a very long time, even before the flood!
The universe throws curves our way, nothing can stop them. We do have choices, however, in how we react. Even when it is really hard, create opportunities to say ‘yes’ or recognize those opportunities being presented to you where saying ‘yes’ is an option. Go ahead. Take your power back, even for a little while. What I wish for you is that the end result finds you grateful for having experienced it all. I am.
Originally posted 2015-01-16 20:18:12.