Category Archives: Attitude
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
Take Care of Yourself. The Ultimate Gift.
RANT:
“Parents do expect their children will take care of them when they get older. Pamela. The truth is many children don’t.” That is what a social worker friend said to me in 1988 when I talked to her about my plan. I was living in Dallas, did not have children and wasn’t going to. My plan was to gather others who did not have children, form a group, get to know one another so we could rely on each other as we aged. The above response from my friend floored me. I said, “Huh? That can’t be right. Who doesn’t take care of their parents?” “More people than you can imagine,” was her response.
I have seen firsthand how children respond to parents who expect to be taken care of by them. It’s not pretty. In this particular case, the mother had taken care of her mother and assumed the daughter would do the same for her. The mother let her independence go when her husband passed away. That included giving up driving before she needed to give it up. As a friend of mine said, “It goes to show how out of touch the mother is with today’s world.” I agree with my friend’s observation. The daughter, who is in her early 70’s, has a husband, daughters and grandchildren. She has a life of her own. I know how much I dig in my heels when someone ‘expects’ that I respond a certain way! I REBEL. That’s exactly what the daughter did. How would you feel?
RAVE:
When I explained the above situation to my 95-year-old mother she said, “I was just as shocked when I moved to Florida and got a first hand look at friends whose children were not involved in their lives. I personally can not imagine you and Linda not being in my life, however, parents should never expect to be taken care of by their kids.” Every time Mom has let my sister and me know that she has gone to the gym, paid all her bills, hired a handyman to fix things, made friends with folks who ultimately call her to make sure she is doing well, de-cluttered her home, updated her will, paid for her funeral arrangements (it’s reality folks), used her long-term health care policy to hire an aide for 6 hours a day…and the list goes on, we are relieved. And a voice inside of me says, “Thank you Mom. Now, what can I do for you?”
ATTITUDE:
What I learned from that conversation in 1988 is whether you have children or not, taking care of yourself to the best of your ability is the ultimate gift! Do whatever it takes to keep, or get, your own house in order. There are many websites dedicated to physical, mental and spiritual health, finances, insurance and more. Study them. Use them.
Listed below are a few of my favorites:
nextavenue.org: Where Grown-ups Keep Growing
seniorplanet.org: Aging with Attitude
prevention.com: Information about getting fit, losing weight and living healthier lives
aarp.org: Information on estate planning-living wills-trusts-inheritance
intentionswork.com: Leave a legacy of love
nealedonaldwalsch.com: Daily Inspiration
yogajournal.com: Learn to meditate and yoga transformation
lifepathretreats.com: Integrative Wellness Center and B&B
The ultimate gift is that by taking care of yourself now, you and all those who are close to you can breathe a sigh of relief and live long and unencumbered lives.
Originally posted 2015-07-27 02:01:31.
10 Tips To Tell That You’ve Grown Up
Rant:
I am saying ‘grown up’ not grown old! Big difference. Remember when you used to fight with your siblings, or a friend, and they’d say, “Oh, why don’t you grow up?” I don’t know about you but I’d usually yell back, ” I AM GROWN UP!!!!” That’s when I was like 12!! HA! Who knew there was a lot more to learn! I rebelled. I fought back. That was being a grown up, right? I frankly did not have a clue what I was doing. I plowed through decisions without thinking of the consequences. And, there were a lot of consequences. I loved to shock people, among them my twin sister. If I could get her to yell, “PAMELA”, I knew I’d reached my goal of totally being obnoxious, and in my opinion, grown up!
Rave:
My last blog post, 8 Ways To Leave A Lasting Impression spoke of how older generations(grown ups) can leave a lasting impression on younger generations. On a Friday afternoon many years ago, my algebra (UGH!) teacher, Mr. Scott, asked me to stay after class. This hulk of a man (he was over 6 feet tall) pulled up a chair very close to my face and said, ‘So you think your antics in class are funny? You think chewing gum, talking and being sent to the assistant principal’s office (often), is being grown up? Well, it’s not. You have all the potential in the world and you’re throwing it away. Being an adult takes courage. It means being responsible for your actions. Now leave. And, if you want to continue in my class, you’ll think long and hard about what I said before I see you again’. YIKES! First of all, no one had ever said I had potential. Did Mr. Scott’s in-my-face confrontation send me down the more grown up path? Well, yes and no. Did I have the courage to take a hard look at myself? A little bit. Did I ever act up again? No.
I thought ‘being grown up’ meant I had to conform. I did in many ways. I didn’t like it. I shrank. I struggled to fit in…that meant trying to be accepted by the popular girls…which never happened, and of course, I took personally.
Attitude:
In the Washington Post magazine dated May 24, 2015, an essay by Jim Sollisch, a creative director at an ad agency in Cleveland, writes about an audacious decision he made in the 9th grade, and “marvels at the boldness of my decision…that wasn’t driven by principle as much as by ego and impulse, two things we learn to control as we become adults.” In The Day I Stood Up to the Man Sollisch says, “Humans are hard-wired to seek social approval, to join groups. We are conformists who create norms for every organization we form, no matter how small.” He wonders, “…what ideas I might not have censored, what risky paths I might have taken. I’ll never know, but as I grow older, I grow younger. I care less about what others think…I am inspired by the ghost of my former self…”
So, how can you tell when you’ve grown up?
-Are there audacious moves you have made that would make your ‘former self’ proud?
-Do you play with abandonment? Examples include: Dancing (even if you think you’re not good at it), singing (same as dancing), traveling somewhere you’ve never been, saying ‘yippee’, ‘wahoo’, ‘yaaaaaaaa’ often?
YAHOOOOOO!! My friend Heidi…loving life!
-Do you treat yourself?
-Do you know that not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay?
-Do you ask for what you want?
-Do you forgive your shortcomings? And, other people’s?
-Do you take responsibility for your actions?
-Have you stopped blaming your parents for how you were raised?
-Have you taken a risk now and then?
-Do you not conform to what society says you should, ‘be like’ ‘act like’ ‘look like’ ‘dress like’
at a certain age?
A pair of my 95 year old Mother’s shoes…
My 50th year high school reunion is coming up this August. I would love to see Mr. Scott so I could tell him he set me on the path to being a grown-up and it only took me until I was 68 to figure out that I think I’ve arrived. “WAHOO,” she says with reckless abandon!!
And you?
Originally posted 2015-05-25 22:13:51.
8 Ways to Leave a Lasting Impression
Rant:
I have written about rebelling against the perception that when we reach a certain age, in the eyes of society, we no longer have much to contribute, see: Three Reasons to Revive Your Inner Boomer Well, the heck with society! There are ways we can circumvent that idea. We can leave a permanent mark on this world, on our children, grandchildren, friends and relations. In other words, we can leave a lasting impression.
What do I mean by leaving a lasting impression? To me it can be a shared thought, a deed, a profound experience, like the way someone shows up in a particular situation, that causes others to shift their actions, shift the way they show up, forever.
Rave:
We are all aware of people who made lasting impressions on us, whether famous or every day folks. I have a feeling if given the opportunity to ask who influenced them, they would have said their mom, dad, teacher, grandparents, preacher. I started New Age Aging to share the lasting impressions my 95-year-old Mother has instilled in me and many others. See: When “Do As I Say becomes “Do As I Do”.
Producer Brian Grazer (Splash, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind) was interviewed by contributor Scott Simon on CBS Sunday Morning, March 29th, 2015: Brian Graser’s “Curious Mind”. Simon states, “Grazer had trouble reading as a boy, but his grandmother Sonia didn’t just see the D’s and F’s on his report card.” “She identified my strength which was to ask questions, to dig inside of subjects, to dig inside of people. She told me that would have a great value in my life. And it did”, Grazer says, as he chokes up.
My step-son Jesse’s grandfather Herman was a sailor, magician and kid-at-heart. He taught Jesse how to sail, how to do magic and much more. Judging from the tattoo that Jesse has honoring Herman, it says everything it needs to say about the influence this man had on his grandson.
Jesse and his grandpa Herman
Jesse’s tattoo. A magician’s top hat and wand, with the ‘chai’ symbol…to life
Impressions that change our lives can come from not so positive places, too. When I was 5 years old my Dad’s dad was bemoaning all the regrets he had in his life. I remember saying to myself right then, “that will never happen to me.” It was the beginning of my rebellious nature. Thanks, grandpa!
Attitude:
How can you create lasting impressions in your life?
–Do what you say you are going to do. Come from a place of integrity.
–Be curious. Take risks.
–Give back to this world. Mentor.
–Look for the strengths in people. Tell them.
–Know that words are a powerful tool. Use them wisely.
–Honor yourself and others: old, young, gay, straight, black, white,…
–Play, play, play. Let them see the child within you.
–And, most importantly, live your best life…with few regrets.
If we can embrace these attitudes, I’m pretty sure we will have accomplished our goal: To say to those who would make us invisible…”GOTCHA!”
(Leaving a lasting impression is different from your legacy. Ann Ranson at intentionswork.com encourages people to gather, celebrate and share their stories. This is an intimate and loving gift to their families.)
Originally posted 2015-05-04 09:55:04.