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Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
Embracing Change is Complicated
Rant:
In the 1988 Die Hard movie, John McClane (Bruce Willis) is crawling through an air vent, being shot at by bad guys, repeating his wife’s invitation with a tone of sarcasm, “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…” Yes, John McClane had to embrace change. He had no choice. Neither did I.
”Maybe we’ll re-do the kitchen this year. Paint a few walls…” That was my husband and me recalling what we said at the beginning of 2014, as we surveyed the damage to our home from a flood April 30th which destroyed our first floor and basement (we live in a 3 story townhouse). A storm catch basin owned by the City of Alexandria and located at the back of our property, became blocked and poured water into our home for 2 ½ hours. We lived in our third floor bedroom, along with our 90 pound dog Sam, from April 30th until the second week of December 2014. The City of Alexandria has claimed Sovereign Immunity, which basically means they think they are not liable for the damages. Add to that no flood insurance, the dust, the contractor issues, the noise, the close living quarters and it made for one heck of a 2014.
‘Wow, that’s quite a story,’ one could say, ‘ enough for one year.’ And they would be wrong.
This also happened in 2014:
My 94 year old Mother had a second hip replacement and had much more difficulty recuperating. We also had the ‘we don’t think you should be driving anymore’ conversation.
I lost a junior high school friend, in an instant, who had everything to live for.
My husband and I grew stronger as partners. We stuck together, got angry together, threw our hands up together and cried together.
I trained 5 days a week to row in a premiere East Coast race, called The Head of the Charles, in Boston, Mass. The pinnacle in many rowers’ careers.
Great friends and neighbors moved away.
With a friend’s encouragement, I walk/ran a 10K across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.
A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I rowed a 13 mile race with 7 great teammates and we won the gold medal for our category.
And, the hardest of all, our beloved Golden Retriever Sam died suddenly in December, one week after the last contractor walked out of the house.
Rave:
The day of the flood our neighbors came running with towels, grabbed furniture, the art, the dog, and got them out of the way preventing any further damage. Family and friends helped pack the house so we could move everything that wasn’t damaged into storage. Invites for dinner and drinks and offers of money (can you believe that!) kept us sane.
I raced the Charles with 3 incredible women who never stopped encouraging and challenging me. Our son and daughter-in-law, along with my husband and friends, came to Boston to cheer us on and celebrate our accomplishment.
I witnessed grace from my friend dealing with breast cancer.
I reconfirmed to myself that I was in good enough shape to place 21 out of 90, in my category, in the bridge race.
My mother is healthy, happy and living life to the fullest, with the help of an aide who has become a wonderful friend.
It was the first time that my husband and I cried together. We have known each other for 13 years. It was over the death of our Golden Retriever, Sam. The knowledge that we felt safe with each other to share our grief, raised our intimacy to a new level.
We had a memorable celebration on New Year’s Eve in a beautiful ‘new’ home that reflects both my husband and me.
Attitudes:
Embracing change is complicated. When things happen that are out of our control we feel vulnerable and powerless. I’ve gone from grief and despair to elation and excitement and back again.
What I learned is that every time I said ‘yes’ to something within my control, I took my power back. I found within those ‘yes’ moments I was more present and appreciative than I had been in a very long time, even before the flood!
The universe throws curves our way, nothing can stop them. We do have choices, however, in how we react. Even when it is really hard, create opportunities to say ‘yes’ or recognize those opportunities being presented to you where saying ‘yes’ is an option. Go ahead. Take your power back, even for a little while. What I wish for you is that the end result finds you grateful for having experienced it all. I am.
Originally posted 2015-01-16 20:18:12.
A Guide to Overcoming Obstacles
Rant:
I am still in the middle of overcoming obstacles. The bottom two floors of our house flooded April 30, 2014. We (me, my husband and our dog, Sam) have been living in our bedroom ever since. Two things I know for sure at this moment: Do not neglect your houseplants which have had their own traumatic experience and, for those of you with pets, there is no way to explain what has happened to their safe haven. Pay them lots of attention, often.
Stayed tuned. Lots more to come on the subject.
Originally posted 2014-08-07 00:28:03.
6 Reasons Taking a Risk is More Important as We Age
Rave:
My muse has taken a break from musing. Yep, she (that would be my 94 year old Mom) made a conscious decision to take a risk. She elected to have her right hip replaced in February. She had her left hip done a few years ago and came through with flying colors. Not so much, this time. According to the doctor, she is two years older and healing takes longer. “Well, at your age…” is how he began his conversation. (That phrase is the subject for a blog, another time.) The truth is she has friends who elected not to have the surgery. They were in good health but the risks, they felt, were too great. Consequently, they will be living with high-powered drugs that only mask the severe pain, for the rest of their lives. Not Mom’s idea of quality of life. So, even though it’s taking her longer to feel great, she has no regrets, which started me thinking about risk taking.
Rant:
Here I am, right this minute, taking a risk. I’ve been so focused on Mom’s recovery that the creative flow vanished. Being exhausted from it all hasn’t helped, either. My first reaction was panic. What if it never comes back? Well, like my Mom, if this isn’t perfect and it takes longer for the full force of the ‘flow’ to return, then so be it. Ready or not, I have to jump in.
A good friend said, “Risk taking is a conscious decision.” I agree. When we were younger, most of us thought less about the consequences associated with taking a risk. As time goes by, we tend to forget how elated and proud we were when something we jumped into worked out. It seems now we concentrate more on the “I think I’ll remain in my comfort zone because I don’t need to prove anything anymore” mode.
The questions we ask, before taking on something new, change. 10 or 20 years ago we might have said, “What do I have to lose?” Now the questions become, What do I really want? What am I missing? Am I happy? If the answer, especially to the last question, is no, take a deep breath and dive right in.
Taking a risk:
- Keeps you in touch with you
- Keeps you interesting
- Keeps you involved in life
- Keeps you healthy
- Keeps you engaged with others
- Keeps you excited
Attitude:
Set a goal
Take that trip
Move
Take the class
Cut your hair/change the color
Get healthier
Speak up
Go on a blind date/On-line date
Learn to dance
Engage in eye contact
Smile a lot
Laugh more
The list goes on and on.
Really, if you think about it, what do you have to lose?
Start today.
Originally posted 2014-03-31 20:56:34.