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Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
Rant:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
I was talking to a (younger) friend of mine. I was telling her what fun it was to binge-watch The Crown (https://www.netflix.com). My (younger) friend said, “Wow Pamela. That really surprises me. I have always thought of you as being such a productive person.” After digesting that statement for a few days, I discovered my definition of productive has changed over the years. Productive used to mean something closer to what my friend was talking about, a paycheck, a physical goal reached. Something concrete and instant. Not anymore. That was a revelation and I thank her for it. Maybe my (younger) friend’s definition will change as she ages, too.
Rave:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
The last time I visited Mom she asked me to come outside because she had something to show me. Between maneuvering Mom’s 3-wheeler walker (her ‘Cadillac’ as she calls it) and taking more than a few minutes to get out the door, I couldn’t imagine what she wanted me to see. As we reached the sidewalk, Mom said, “Look up. See my beautiful tree. The branches are throwing their shadow on the building. I was so concerned it was dying, but I was wrong. It’s green again!” And with that, she became silent.
We stared at the tree for a few minutes not saying a word. Swirling in my head was TV news and all kinds of social media voices, so it took me a bit to be with her. The voices were quiet. I loved every minute of it. I was refreshed and thankful. Then it hit me, she’s always in the present moment when I’m with her. And I watch her in other situations too. I know there are times she is thinking of other things however they are never so big they interrupt a look out the window to watch the birds fly by or a walk outside to watch over her beloved tree. She’s all in! What a wonderful upside to growing older…being present!
I have recently picked up Eckart Tolle’s (http://www.eckarttolle.com) book, A New Earth…Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, for the third time. Tolle writes that one must ask themselves.” what kind of relationship you want to have with the present moment. The present moment is inseparable from life, so you are really deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with life.”
Attitude:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
My new definition of being productive: having a friendlier relationship with life by making “the present moment into your friend,” as Tolle says.
What was productive about binge-watching The Crown:
– I was seeing and hearing the show which helped me retain the historical information. I learned a lot.
– The show enabled me to have a substantive conversation with a friend who lived in the UK for much of her life and her boyfriend who is a history buff.
– The Crown is visually stunning. I admired those who created its’ look. It was inspiring.
– I was fully and completely present.
What I learned from Mom that day:
– She reminded me through her actions alone how soothing and wonderful being present feels.
– Mother gave me a taste of a forgotten peace. She inspired me to search it out on a regular basis.
– I can remind others through my actions to grab those soothing and wonderful moments. Maybe the voices that swirl in their heads can be quieted even for a little while.
Wow, who knew what productive moments of presence you can find just by looking up!
Originally posted 2018-10-23 00:06:07.
A Message to Remind Mom of Her Strengths When She Forgets
Rave:
A Message to remind Mom of her strengths when she forgets:
As I wrote in my blog dated August 8, 2018: http://newageaging.com/aging-words-wisdom-last-woman-standing/ even though my 98-year-old Mom has a wonderful attitude on life every once in a while she’ll cry.
We were curled up on the couch one afternoon on my last visit and there she was through tearful eyes apologizing for forgetting things and needing my help.
As I held her tight, this is what I said:
No one needs to tell me how lucky I am that you are here and thriving at 98 years old.
When you say that Susan, Linda and I are your crowning achievements I think to myself, ‘Really?’ Your strength always shone, holding your head up high as a single Mom in the ’50s when being divorced was a stigma. You received no child support from your ex (my father) and raised your three girls by selling vacuum cleaners strictly on commission at a major department store. Your daughters are/were proud of you for winning all kinds of sales awards. The word reached the two best-known vacuum cleaner companies in the region who sent their salespeople to you for training. That, to me, is an achievement!
You have taught me a lot about love, life and overcoming adversity.
Upon you hearing my voice you tell me your heart beats a little faster.
I always respond ‘no’ when you ask me, “Hey, did I tell you today that I love you?” even though you had, just so I can hear you say it again.
No matter what, I have always felt safe, loved and taken care of and I am eternally grateful.
You have loved me unconditionally. There is nothing you could do or no weakness you could show that would make me love you less.
I will be there for you always. Don’t worry about a thing.
I comfort her by saying all of the above with the hope that it soothed her heart and spirit. Her smile lets me know it had.
Then I said, ‘Ya know Mom, even though I felt safe and taken care of there were times when I wasn’t very happy with you.” “Really…when was that?” she responded with a surprised look on her face.
Here was some of the list I gave her…
- I assumed you would help me make my prom dress for my home economics project because your parents were wonderful tailors. Come to find out you didn’t know how to sew on a button let alone run a sewing machine!
- You said the word ‘penis’ in front of my girlfriends when I was in the 7th grade and even though that was the time we were sent home with booklets describing such things, I wanted to DIE! DIE! DIE! To this day, a friend of mine tells me I still have feelings around that one!
- You found out I cut school and when I asked you how you knew, you said you had a direct line to G-D! That made it really hard to ever do THAT again!!
Attitude:
A Message to remind Mom of her strengths when she forgets:
By the end of our talk, we were ‘rolling on the floor’ with laughter, as we say in our family. Those big ol’ tears evolved into giddy tears of joy.
And then I remembered a saying on Mom’s fridge by author Vivian Greene: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”
No worries Mom, along with lots of other things, I hope I’ll never forget that I learned how to dance in the rain from you too.
We all have people in our lives that have taught us how to dance in the rain. Have you let them know how precious they are? Because believe it or not, we all forget sometimes!
Originally posted 2018-08-22 12:18:22.
I’ll Take Relationship Over Bottom Line Any Day
Rant:
I’ll take relationship over bottom line any day! I wish I could take full credit for the title.
A friend of mine, who was the VP of Human Resources for a Fortune 500 company, expressed this point after I told her the story I’m about to tell you:
Mom’s financial adviser who has handled her accounts for over 35 years called to say that his company (which I won’t name but whose initials are ML) would no longer manage accounts smaller than a certain amount. Mother’s remaining savings are below that level. Unbeknownst to us, he had grandfathered her account 5 years ago. But if Linda and I would contribute to Mother’s portfolio to the tune of $120,000 ML would be glad to keep us as clients. We would have to make other arrangements with a different brokerage house if the answer was no!!! Time limit for getting out, “Three months should be sufficient.”
The Zitron/Bailey girls hit the roof. Unfortunately for ML, they did not know they were dealing with two people who had been in the customer service business (archaic words to be sure) for many years. If we were going down, we were going down swinging!
We first called the ML office in Alexandria to verify the ‘rule’ told to us by Mother’s adviser. Yes, it was the rule but there was an alternative available which no one bothered to explain.
The more we thought about it the angrier we got. The decision was made to discontinue our relationship with ML period.
More Rant:
I called the financial adviser to formally express our displeasure as to how everything went down. His response: “This is the USA and a free enterprise system and a corporation has the right to make any rules they choose to compete.” He’s right. Years of relationship building meant nothing. It was all about their bottom line.
Shortly after that conversation, I received a call from his boss. “Why are you calling me?” I asked. “The limit your financial adviser gave you as to how much money we would manage in a portfolio has doubled since his initial conversation with you. We believe that your Mother would be better served at an institution that is closer to you.” “Do you know where I live?” I said. “Somewhere in Florida, I imagine.” ” I live in Virginia. My financial adviser is located in Dallas Texas. And as quickly as I can, my mother’s adviser will be located in Dallas Texas too.” I hung up on him.
Together Linda and I called ML’s customer relations line and asked to be put through to the President’s office or to his Executive Assistant. We know from our days at AT&T and Lucent Technologies that filing a formal complaint starting at the President’s level was serious business. “Oh yes Mrs. Zitron and Mrs. Bailey,” the customer service rep said, “we take these sort of complaints very, very seriously. You will be contacted within 48 hours by a special representative.” At least that felt good!
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM THEM? NEITHER HAVE WE!! That was 2 weeks ago.
Attitude:
What has happened to customer relationships and loyalty? Are we the only generation that expects to be treated with respect and dignity? Please say it isn’t so.
As far as Linda and I are concerned the above scenario smacked of discrimination and a slight form of elder abuse. I’m telling everyone I know about what happened, including Michelle Singletary at http://www.washingtonpost.com
After all was said and done I began to think of the ‘what ifs’.
What If…
My 97 year old Mom had no one to help her navigate this process?
Linda and I were not named on her accounts?
Mother had not named us power of attorney?
I, or Linda, did not have a relationship with another financial institution?
Fortunately my adviser is an independent financial adviser and broker. He makes his own rules. Of course he would take Mom’s account. He helped restore our faith that maybe the bottom line to some businesses is not as important as the relationships they build.
I am asking all of you to please ask your own WHAT IFs…and take any necessary steps that will always keep you and your family empowered over any corporation who is looking strictly at it’s bottom line.
Originally posted 2017-05-04 20:49:47.