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When “Do As I Say” becomes “Do As I Do”
http://www.nextavenue.org re-posted this piece once again, originally written in 2015 in honor of Mother’s Day and my mom.
Their title: My Mother, My Inspiration…
Rant:
You remember the phrase our parents used to say, “Do as I say, not as I do?” Here are some “Do as I say” edicts spoken by my Mother:
-Sit up straight.
-Walk looking up, not down at your feet. (My sister Linda stepped on a nail when she tried that!)
-Your face is going to freeze like that.
-Don’t talk to strangers.
-Yes you are going with me to so and so’s house. Why? Because I said so.
-Go to school. If you still feel sick in a few hours, call me.
-Play nice with others. Treat them as you want to be treated.
-Put on lipstick. You never know who you are going to meet.
Rave:
There were 25 people at Mom’s 95th birthday February 2nd. It was a joyous, energized and eclectic occasion filled with relatives and friends, old and young, gay and straight, black and white. People couldn’t wait to hug and kiss her and tell stories about where they met and how she inspires them.
Linda and I are in the most enviable position of being able to focus, and change, the second half of the phrase ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’ We now tell ourselves, as we navigate through our lives, ‘do as she does’ .
Attitude:
I bet some people look at Mom’s wonderful smile and her ‘in the moment’ energy and think, “Wow, this woman has had an easy, happy life.” From loosing both her parents by the age of 12, raising three children with no child support, to the loss of one of her daughters, how wrong they would be.
Author Vivian Greene wrote: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”
This is how Mom chooses to dance:
-By not putting herself down, beating herself up or saying negative things that demean who she is.
-By never saying, ‘why me?’
-By accepting that “this is the way life is.”
-By recognizing the good in others and treating everyone as an individual. She still tells Linda and me not to speak to strangers, but she never meets a stranger. It doesn’t matter if it is a clerk in a store or the person in the auto detailing shop, the first thing she’ll ask is their name.
-By never forgetting about the little girl who lives within her. She brings her out to play. When I called the other night, she told me she was watching a ‘penguin movie’ and could not talk. She failed to hang up the phone properly so I was able to listen to her laugh, all by herself, while watching Happy Feet on TV.
-By repeating daily, “Some one up there is watching out for us and I’m so GRATEFUL.” Grateful being the optimum word.
-By getting out of her house and engaging in life. “I have to see people every day.”
-By saying, “Exercise. I notice one of the first things to go are your legs.” Mom rides a stationary bike at a gym almost every day.
-By carrying herself with dignity and grace with her head held high. And I don’t remember her ever stepping on a nail!
-By putting her lipstick on before she walks out of the house!
Mom at 95, rocking those red lips and looking her elegant self
Do what she does? You bet. I’m learning how to dance in the rain.
One of my goals is to celebrate my 95th birthday, happy and healthy, with family and a group of eclectic friends, while wearing a brilliant shade of red lipstick!
How about you?
Originally posted 2017-05-14 11:37:34.
5 Myths About Aging Debunked
Rave:
Myth number one debunked: Your age doesn’t have to dictate your style!
Case in point: Some of Mom’s shoes and one of her tops:
Age should never dictate your dress!
Mom’s new top
“Hi Ma, whatcha doin?” “I’m playing in my closet” she says. And I think to myself, “I wonder how many 95 year old women ‘play’ in their closet?” She is trying on clothes to either have lunch with a friend, go to the hair salon or the grocery store! Mom’s philosophy about her style is to buy clothes that appeal to her. She doesn’t think whether clothes are ‘age appropriate’. She thinks about how they look on her, period. She buys timeless pieces because eventually “they come back in style.” Every once in awhile, she’ll catalog shop and buy a new outfit to ‘update’ her wardrobe. Her clothes are bright and happy. When I am with her, there isn’t a day that goes by that someone doesn’t compliment her on how she looks. I think they are surprised to see what they perceive as an ‘older’ woman, dressing with style and panache and they like it! BOOM! Debunked!
Myth number two debunked: Desire may change but the need for connection and touch never does!
Mom and Bern sitting close
I read an article in the Washington Post Magazine www.washingtonpost.com/magazine recently, about flibanserin, the ‘female viagra’. The FDA has approved flibanserin for pre-menopausal women. Frankly I was steamed! What about the POST-M women? There must not be anyone at the FDA who is over the age of 55!! Then, I remember an incident with Mom about 5 years ago: There was an article sitting on her counter titled something like, ‘Teach a man to kiss the way you want to be kissed!’ “So Mom, what’s with this article?”, I say. “Oh honey, how do you think Bern (her boyfriend) would feel if I gave him this to read? He’s just a little off in that department.” BOOM! Debunked!
Myth number three debunked: You are never too old to find true love!
You’re never too old to find the love of your life
I received a call at the beginning of September from my dear friend Beverly, who has been single since before we met, which was in the early ’90’s. She told me she had found the love of her life who asked her to marry him and could they get married in my home? “WOW! of course!” I screamed!! Beverly has lived in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico for more than 20 years. She is the owner of a very successful business called, lifepathretreats.com. She wrote these remarks for my last blog http://newageaging.com/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-part-two : “I feel so fortunate to have had all of the experiences that I have had as a single person to understand the importance of being myself, loving fully, being happy being single and being present in every moment. The experiences that I had and the lessons I have learned have given me the wisdom and insight in order to love with abandon and yet maintain my own self. It’s truly a gift.” Michael is 75. Beverly is 68. To add to myth number three debunked: Mom and Bern met when they were both 84.
BOOM! Debunked!
Myth number four debunked: Just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean you have to act that way!
Mom goofing!
We thought she went into the store for that hat!
Mom laughs and plays all the time. She reminds me to play and laugh and goof. It’s good for the soul!
BOOM! Debunked!
Myth number five debunked: You can have an eclectic, interesting, diverse set of friends at any age. Mother cultivates relationships with people of all ages. She calls to check on them and they call her. They share meals, go to the movies and attend each others’ parties. BOOM! Debunked!
Mom’s 95th. These people were in their late 90’s
Mom’s 95th. These folks were in their 60’s and 70’s
Attitude:
Do not allow yourself to be defined by books, magazines, society, other people or the media when it comes to growing up. Let’s show them that this aging process is so much more than we have been led to believe. BOOM!
Let me know what you think. And, please share my blog with your friends.
Originally posted 2015-10-21 20:33:24.
If I Knew Then What I Know Now…Part Two
Rave:
My last post: http://newageaging.com/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-part-one reflected on the ‘Aha’ moments I had attending my 50th year high school reunion the beginning of August this year. You know how it is when you have your own ‘Aha’ moments. Signs appear everywhere telling you that those moments of clarity can be incorporated into your life as lessons learned.
I am beginning to hear from women in their early to late 30’s who are wanting their moments of clarity when it comes to aging well. Delphine wrote on my About page on August 27th: “I’m happy to have found your blog. I believe that aging well is something that you can learn to do – and I want to learn how! Thank you for creating this positive space!”
I emailed a woman who approached me after a speech I gave, and asked her if there were any specific subjects I could write on that would appeal to her and her age group? This was her response, “I think women my age need to focus on keeping it real, not beating ourselves up. We take on a lot and always do for others. We need to have fun and embrace aging. I like the European style of not focusing on being perfect…I am a big fan of aging gracefully.”
Attitude:
That got me to thinking, if I and other women had the opportunity to talk to our 30-something year old selves, and say…hmmm, if I knew then what I know now…what would we say?
Linda B. age 68, writes:
“Stop wasting all that time worrying.
Be true to yourself.
Stop working so hard to the detriment of your family.
In marriage-You do not have to be right all the time. Let it go!
In work-Don’t ever let them see you cry! I was smarter than the men I worked with back then but didn’t realize it.
Every dog has their day. Be patient.”
Margaret B. age 51, writes:
“Surround yourself with kind and genuine people-they come in all shapes, sizes and income categories.
Don’t follow the glitter and the glitz all the time. In the end it usually loses its’ sparkle.
Don’t waste your time on men that don’t love you more then you love them.
It is OK to be single, no matter what the magazines, your friends (not if they are genuine) or co-workers say.
Don’t live beyond your means but make sure to treat yourself in big or small ways. You work hard & you deserve it. Whether it is a trip (near or far), a new pair of shoes, a pedicure or a glass of your favorite wine and a good book-embrace and enjoy!”
Brenda age 65, writes:
“Dear Me at 35: You are so worthy of being cherished, loved and respected. Tell yourself this everyday and believe it to be true. Only be in relationships, including the one with yourself that believe this about you and treat you this way.”
Anonymous age 73, writes:
“I wish I had known, at 35, in my gut, that I was beautiful. By that I mean, I wish I had risked taking pride in my looks, feeling foxy, flirty, admiring my own body, my smile, my curls, been willing to invite attention to myself, relishing attention when it came my way. I was raised to be modest and self-deprecating, and I got that all too right!
I wish I had, by 35, richer experiences of my own sexuality, my own pleasures. I had borne 2 children and been married twice by 35! Only later did I welcome full sexual pleasures of my own, with a partner and without.
I can’t turn these 2 wishes around and say I’m glad I didn’t know these things at 35. I wish I had. I like to think my soul would have been stronger, and I could have protected myself better from hurtful people, but of course I can never know. However, I’m very glad I know them now, at 73.”
Ann R. age 63, writes:
“On parenting – even though at 35 I was not yet a parent, I became one at 38. I would tell Mother Ann to let go of the idea of being a perfect parent. That if the best I could do was to love unconditionally my son, then I would be giving him the greatest gift and example for how to live. I just now realized the power of the gift of love.”
Susan B. age 68, writes:
“I don’t think my thoughts are the norm. After losing my Mom so suddenly, at a young age, I was very focused on appreciating each day and not taking the blessings in my life for granted. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Maybe I would have told myself not to worry so much.”
Beverly N. Ph.D age 68, writes:
Do no harm. But take no crap.
You teach people how to treat you.
Keep those shoulders back and show those breasts! Be proud!!! (from my Girl Scout Leader, Mrs. Ludden).
Be authentic in your relationships.
Take care of yourself — no one else can do a better job.
Don’t settle.
Figure out what you want; then figure out how to get it.
Sleep cures a plethora of things; hunger, depression, fatigue, confusion, sadness, loneliness…
You can’t be unhappy after going to the park, taking a walk, or riding a bike.
When you want something, sleep on it. If in two to three days you still want it GO GET IT!!!!
Go slowly in a relationship because if it’s solid, it will last and doesn’t have to be hurried. You have the rest of your life to watch it unfold.
Get your priorities right: your God, yourself, your closest relationships and family, your friends, your home/nature/outdoors, play, charity/give back, work if you’re lucky enough to have a job.
Pamela Z. age 68, writes:
If you feel the need to compete, compete only with yourself. Competing with women will only make you feel bad about yourself.
You don’t need to know everything. And, you won’t. You’ll be in learning mode your entire life. Be open to it. Listen to it. Embrace those ‘Aha’ moments.
Everything changes.
Cultivate girlfriends you honor and trust and make sure to keep them in your life, for the rest of your life!
Know you are lovable and worthy of being loved at any age. As Salma Hayek says: http://www.people.com/article/salma-hayek-words-wisdom-dating-advice:’I wish I could have told my younger self…”You are going to end up with the best guy in the world.” ‘
Mom and boyfriend Bern in 2008 when they were both 89 yrs old. They met in 2002.
Exercise
Moisturize
Having bad posture makes you look older than you are. Shoulders back, head up, starting now.
Seek out women whom you admire that are older than you. You will be surprised how many are already in your life. Watch them. Emulate them. They will teach you the art of aging well!
Originally posted 2015-09-14 19:10:49.
If I Knew Then What I Know Now…Part One
Rant:
Until a few weeks ago, it had been quite a while since I thought, “Boy, if I knew then what I know now!” It happened at my 50th year high school reunion the beginning of August. Reunions can be benchmarks of growth in one’s life. Wouldn’t you agree? If you have gone to a reunion of any sort, haven’t you walked away thinking, ‘Wow, I never would have thought that about that person/circumstance/situation.’ I am very proud of how far I’ve come. And maybe, just maybe, if I share some of my insights after leaving my reunion I can make a difference in some one else’s life.
What I wish I did not do:
-Smoke! Geez, what was I thinking. It definitely impacted my skin. And, who knows what it did to my insides.
-Be totally focused on the popular kids: trying to act, dress and talk like them. And even after all that, I never felt accepted nor did I find my own identity.
-Boys, boys, boys. Need I say more?
-Let the stigma of growing up in a single parent environment in the 50’s and early 60’s, run a lot of my life.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/30/growing-up-under-the-divorce-cloud
-Put my education way down the list of priorities and importance.
-Make assumptions about people based strictly on appearance.
-Ignore a compliment.
-Complain profusely about having to work at age 16 every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.
Rave:
What I’m glad I did do:
-Listened to mom when she told me to moisturize every time I washed my face.
My 95 year old Mom still practices what she preaches!
-Walked or rode my bike everywhere, swam at the local pool and skated on an iced parking lot all winter long. Exercise. It’s second nature to me now.
-The boy who broke my heart in high school told me he peaked at 17 and has yet to find himself!! I’m glad we never married!!
-Started work at 16. It taught me a work ethic that has served me well, throughout my entire professional life.
-Realized that if my Dad was in the picture, I never would have the wonderful, intimate relationship I have with my mom for a variety of reasons.
-Learned I never fit in with (who I thought) the popular kids were because I did not accept myself. It had nothing to do with them. I went on my own personal journey. That journey has taught me, don’t judge a book by it’s cover!
-Be thankful that even though education did not feel like a priority especially in high school, I received a wonderful education that has inspired me to be a life-long student.
-Learned to accept a compliment.
Attitude:
When I hear myself saying, “If I knew then what I know now”, I seem to follow it with, “Well, you didn’t so what difference does it make?” I realize life is a process, and if I knew EVERYTHING at 14 years old what would be the point of it all!! Life is an adventure and if one chooses to be open to it, a constant source of “AHA!” moments that are woven together to create a unique tapestry called YOU!
STAYED TUNED FOR: IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW…PART TWO I have asked some exquisite women to write what they would say to their 35-ish selves today. I can’t wait!!!
Originally posted 2015-08-30 18:04:48.