Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
In Defense of an Independent Woman
Attitude:
An independent woman. That’s what my 96 year old Mom called herself today. She said it because at 96 things are beginning to happen that make her less independent and she is uncomfortable about it all. “I’m forgetting where I put things and my body is changing. I’m finding it so hard to accept. I have been an independent woman my whole life.”
Believe me I know how lucky I am to still have Mom! Many of you have seen your parents and loved ones age and go through the process Mom is going through right now. I have not. Neither has Mom. Her Dad died when she was 12 and her mother was institutionalized (a post for a different day) when mother was very young. She has said to me more than once that she never really saw anyone grow old. That’s a double edged sword, if you ask me. On the one hand, she has no preconceived ideas what she should be like, act like or look like at 96. So she has created herself counter to the mindset in this country and become an inspiration to many. On the other hand neither she nor I know what to expect. Maybe even if we did it would still be a hard thing to watch, and I am sure for Mom, it’s a hard thing to be going through.
You can read and talk about what to say to a parent when you know it’s time to take their car keys or move them to a assisted living facility. But, how do you respond to a parent who says they are acutely aware their bodies and minds are changing and they are embarrassed and what the hell happened to their independence? In other words, what do you say when you can’t stop the forward momentum of their lives and neither can they? What I was able to come up with was to tell her that I heard her. That it must be very difficult for her and that it was all okay. I said not to be so hard on herself and I was proud of her no matter what. I told her that we had hired a person to be with her who, up to this point, hasn’t had much to do so it was time she earned her keep. That made Mom laugh! And even though in my gut and in my heart I was so sad, to hear her laugh was the BEST.
I had an ‘aha’ moment when Mom called herself ‘an independent woman’. No wonder I have always been attracted to women in life and in novels who have their struggles and overcome them without much help from others. There is strength and dignity and grace from experiences of that kind. And no matter what happens in life, that never ever ever goes away. I’m going to tell Mom that the next time I speak to her!!
Originally posted 2016-03-02 21:17:59.
Aging-Vulnerabilities
Rant:
Aging-Vulnerabilities
Hi there. It’s been a while!
I could say that life got in the way and that is partly true. If I were completely honest with myself and you, I’d say whatever confidence I had about writing encouraging words and wisdom vanished! It was fear! After all, who am I to communicate to others my experiences as a woman in my 70’s (OH MY!), with the hope that I could make a difference in other people’s lives. My 100-year-old Mom’s experiences, yes! Not mine.
I found every excuse in the world for not doing the one thing that I love, writing. But this is personal stuff, I thought. This is baring my soul, showing my vulnerabilities. It felt like I was back in the seventh grade. Remember THAT feeling? All those ‘what if’s’: What if people don’t like me anymore or think I’m full of myself! What if they think my writing sucks! Do you know what I discovered? Those seventh-grade feelings are visceral! They’re in my DNA. Who knew! Did you? Now that’s a blog for another day.
Rave:
Aging-Vulnerabilities
In the past year, I have had occasions that have shown me, yes, I’ve been around a while and I have had life experiences that possibly/probably will resonate with others.
So I’m taking a deep breath while I write, vulnerabilities be damned.
Attitude:
Aging-Vulnerabilities
I will be writing about those experiences very soon.
I look forward to sharing them with you and receiving your feedback.
I think I just graduated!
Originally posted 2020-04-16 23:28:31.
Aging: Dignity and Grace During a Pandemic
Rave:
Aging: Dignity and Grace During a Pandemic
I remember hearing family members say it was hard to be around so and so because they complained all the time. Then someone would say, ‘They’re old. They’re entitled!’ Consequently, it left an impression on me…old people are entitled to complain.
My 100-year-old mother has never been a complainer! She could have been. Her mother was put in an institution when Mom was 12 years old and her dad died of pneumonia shortly afterward, leaving Mom to live with her sister. At age 17 she met my Dad, got married, had the three of us, and then he left. On top of that, she lost her oldest daughter to cancer. I could go on.
I asked her why she wasn’t bitter. “I have always felt loved,” she said.
The smile you can see a mile away
February of this year was Mom’s 100th birthday. The celebration was awesome. We beat the Pandemic by a week. Consequently, we have not seen her since. She does have an aide 6 days a week from 8 AM to 1 PM which is all she requires.
Linda and I call her every day.
Our conversations go something like this:
“Hi, Ma! How are you?
“Everything is wonderful,” she sings out (literally).
“What did you do today?”
“I walked around the parking lot 3 times. You know, my beautiful tree is coming back to life. I bet it’s because I talk to it every day.”
“What did you have for dinner?”(Her aide makes everything before she leaves)
“I have absolutely no idea so I only ate half! It was ok.”
And it goes on…
She makes us laugh. She tells us how much she loves us. We giggle like three school kids.
Attitude:
Aging: Dignity and Grace During a Pandemic
I’ve written down some of Mom’s best lines during this Pandemic:
-I don’t expect miracles
-I love my house
-I’m grateful and thankful
-I’ve become a sports fan. I love basketball and golf.
-I’m happy
-Don’t worry. I’m doing fine.
-Love you, love you, love you, girls!
If Mom’s attitude is based on the premise that she’s always felt loved and the above is the result of feeling that love, then as the famous line in When Harry Met Sally goes, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
We can remind ourselves that we ‘have always felt loved’ by thinking of family, friends, and even our animals whose love and affection have sustained us through the best and worst of times.
Mom has gained perspective over the years. She has known through thick and thin that her mantra has helped her make it through. Maybe it’s time we borrow her mantra and make it our own.
She would be thrilled.
Originally posted 2020-05-19 19:17:13.