Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
Aging: Dignity and Grace During a Pandemic
Rave:
Aging: Dignity and Grace During a Pandemic
I remember hearing family members say it was hard to be around so and so because they complained all the time. Then someone would say, ‘They’re old. They’re entitled!’ Consequently, it left an impression on me…old people are entitled to complain.
My 100-year-old mother has never been a complainer! She could have been. Her mother was put in an institution when Mom was 12 years old and her dad died of pneumonia shortly afterward, leaving Mom to live with her sister. At age 17 she met my Dad, got married, had the three of us, and then he left. On top of that, she lost her oldest daughter to cancer. I could go on.
I asked her why she wasn’t bitter. “I have always felt loved,” she said.
The smile you can see a mile away
February of this year was Mom’s 100th birthday. The celebration was awesome. We beat the Pandemic by a week. Consequently, we have not seen her since. She does have an aide 6 days a week from 8 AM to 1 PM which is all she requires.
Linda and I call her every day.
Our conversations go something like this:
“Hi, Ma! How are you?
“Everything is wonderful,” she sings out (literally).
“What did you do today?”
“I walked around the parking lot 3 times. You know, my beautiful tree is coming back to life. I bet it’s because I talk to it every day.”
“What did you have for dinner?”(Her aide makes everything before she leaves)
“I have absolutely no idea so I only ate half! It was ok.”
And it goes on…
She makes us laugh. She tells us how much she loves us. We giggle like three school kids.
Attitude:
Aging: Dignity and Grace During a Pandemic
I’ve written down some of Mom’s best lines during this Pandemic:
-I don’t expect miracles
-I love my house
-I’m grateful and thankful
-I’ve become a sports fan. I love basketball and golf.
-I’m happy
-Don’t worry. I’m doing fine.
-Love you, love you, love you, girls!
If Mom’s attitude is based on the premise that she’s always felt loved and the above is the result of feeling that love, then as the famous line in When Harry Met Sally goes, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
We can remind ourselves that we ‘have always felt loved’ by thinking of family, friends, and even our animals whose love and affection have sustained us through the best and worst of times.
Mom has gained perspective over the years. She has known through thick and thin that her mantra has helped her make it through. Maybe it’s time we borrow her mantra and make it our own.
She would be thrilled.
Originally posted 2020-05-19 19:17:13.
Aging-3 Boomers on a Train
Rave:
Aging-3 Boomers on a Train
I flew to LA, January of 2019, to meet up with two friends I’ve known for over 40 years. We first met in Dallas Texas in 1975. You could say we grew up together. Eventually, Patty moved to California, Annie moved to Australia and I moved to Virginia.
It was time for a get together.
Patty showed us a wonderful time. A tour of LA, The Getty and other fantastic places.
We even took a train from Patty’s home in Simi Valley to Santa Barbara http://www.santabarbaraca.com for the day. A train! A whistleblowing, honest to goodness train! Very exciting. We boarded a late train back to Simi Valley. As we sat down facing each other ready to kick back, two guys maybe 18 or 19 years old, sat directly across the aisle.
What caught our attention immediately was the sound coming out of one of the boys’ phones. It was Bob Dylan! Wait. What? Bob Dylan?
After listening for awhile we had to ask:
Why Bob Dylan?
Because he is a premier poet and musician, they said.
A very impressive, thought out answer!
We watched him become famous, we responded.
As a result of that statement, the questions began to fly:
Who were the first musical groups you saw? they inquired.
Jimi Hendrix (Patty), ELO (Me), The Rolling Stones with opening act Rod Stewart, who no one knew, in his gold lame skin-tight jumpsuit. (Annie).
What other musicians, groups did you listen to?
Sting, Beatles Doobies, Chicago, Eagles, Eric Clapton, James Taylor and Carol King.
They had listened to them all.
What do the three of you do for a living?
We’re retired.
Wow retired young! (Such nice guys) What’s the secret to doing that?
Patty: I just read that to retire on your own terms at say 55, you’re going to need at least 5 million dollars.
The color faded from their faces but they seemed not to be deterred.
How do we get there?
Patty: Save and diversify your portfolio.
Annie: It’s all about the connections you make. Make good ones.
Me: Work hard, be vigilant, work at what you love. The money will come.
Have the three of you ever tried recreational drugs?
Yes. (It was the 70’s for goodness sakes)
I like marijuana. I sorta like LSD. I’ve done it a few times when I listen to music. I don’t like Cocaine the less talkative one said.
We asked if cocaine and LSD were as prevalent as they used to be given marijuana is legal in California.
Yes.
Where do you live?
When I said I lived in Virginia, one of them said he was thinking of transferring from UC Santa Barbara to a college in the east. Which colleges in DC would I recommend?
I said Georgetown and American.
Before we knew it an hour and a half had passed. It was time for us to leave.
Hey, we said, who turned you on to Bob Dylan?
My grandfather, the more talkative one responded!!
Of course it was his grandfather!!
Attitude:
Aging-3 Boomers on a Train
We were disappointed that our part of the journey had come to an end, however, when we got off the train Annie said she felt like she’d been to confession!!
That being said the ride gave the 3 of us the opportunity to ‘re-live’ some of the best times of our ‘growing up’ together. Sharing wisdom and parts of that experience with those 2 kids, who soaked up every word, made it really special.
According to Wikipedia http://www.en.m.wikipedia.org: ‘The meme ‘Ok Boomer’ gained popularity in November of 2019 used to mock attitudes attributed to the baby boomer generation.’ Every generation has a problem with the generations that came before them. And vice versa. Remember when Rock-n-Roll first came on the scene?
I’m sure Boomers did a lot of things wrong but I’m pretty sure we did a lot right.
Take that grandfather who turned his grandson on to what the three of us think is the greatest music ever written…Hey, we’re Boomers. And, that grandfather seemed to have raised a child who raised a child to appreciate, respect and value the experiences and advice of those who came before him.
Yep, to sum it up, I’d say we’re okay, Boomers!
Originally posted 2020-04-24 13:21:53.
Tip For A Long Life: Laugh-Play
Rant:
Tip for a long life: laugh-play!! Did you know the word ‘play’ can be used as both a noun and a verb? The example given using ‘play’ as a noun is, “a child at play may use a stick as an airplane.” ‘Play’ used as a verb, is defined as ‘activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.’ Example given: “the children went outside to play.”
And therein lies the rub. How come I could not find any examples using the word ‘adult’ when describing the word play? Does something happen to us as we ‘grow-up’? Does society give us the message that ‘play’ is only for children and at a certain age it’s time to get serious about life? I think it does. And, guess what, we forget about playing!! I’m talking about ‘activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose’ too! I’m talking about ‘goofing’ around, giggling, screaming with delight, laughing so hard no sound comes out, doing a silly dance, jumping in a pile of leaves, expressing yourself for pure enjoyment whether through art or dance or any of a thousand other ways!
Rave:
Laugh-play, that’s my Mom. She has such a cute little girl. Oh, wait, I bet you think I’m talking about me! Nope. I’m talking about the little girl that’s inside her. I realize that I have known her little girl since I was a little girl!
See Mom’s little girl in this photo? I can.
Mom being a goof
Mom was a single parent and on most Sunday mornings my two sisters and I would pile into her double bed, which at the time seemed enormous. The biggest fight we had was who was getting each side of her. “You were there last time, Susan. It’s my turn”, I’d say. Mom would intervene and figure it out then we’d settle down and wrap ourselves around each other. We would giggle and laugh and talk about silly things. She was as silly as we were. At our goofiest we would make up games and songs. She would tell us the whole story about musicals such as South Pacific or My Fair Lady and transport us to wonderful places. As we aged subjects were added, like taking care of ourselves as young women. I remember the first time Mom told Susan it was okay for her to pluck her eyebrows, then looked at Susan and said, “Susan, what happened to your eyebrows?” Hence laughing so hard no sound came out. I visited Mom a few weeks ago (right before her 96th birthday). When I awoke the first morning my little girl was all excited to jump in bed with Mom and her little girl, which is exactly what I did! As we were snuggling she said to me, “Too bad we don’t have a paper route. I could fold them, you could throw them!” Once again laughter, giggling and goofing commenced.
I believe that the little boy or little girl we once were still lives within us. I am amazed to learn that many people are surprised when I say that. My friend Ann Ranson is one of those people. I was telling her a story about Mom’s little girl and she said, “Wait, your Mom has a little girl? I didn’t know there was a little girl/boy still with us.” Well, I say ‘yes!’ Ann has always talked about playing more and creating more. I saw her recently and BOY has she tapped into her little girl. She sets a timer and when it goes off the music plays, that’s her time to dance around her house. She also has carved out a space to create her art and recently was accepted into a show at the Bath House Cultural Center.
Look closely at this photo of my friends Andy Taylor and Marie Taylor-Morrison. Andy is in the stripped shirt and Marie is to his right. Two ‘kids’ having the time of their lives! For the record, play and fun are a HUGE part of their lives together to this day and I love it!
Andy and Marie…doing what they do best…PLAYING
Attitude:
If you are a parent or grandparent with young children, show them that play and laughter are wonderful things. Play WITH them. So, I say to you, get re-acquainted with that little person. Experiment. Give yourself permission to be a goofball, laugh, sing, dance, scream with joy and giggle with abandon!
I believe we still carry that little girl or boy inside us because I see and hear my 96-year-old Mother’s little girl all the time! Wow, thank you Mom!! If she is any indication that laugh and play helps prolong our lives what are you waiting for?
Originally posted 2016-02-10 20:09:36.