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Aging: Words of Wisdom from the Last Woman Standing
The smile you can see a mile away
Rant:
Aging: Words of wisdom from the last woman standing…
Yep, that’s my 98-year-old Mom. As of two weeks ago, she lost her last friend. All of her family is gone too. Just writing the above sentences makes me want to breathe in a bag! My way of saying that my heart is beating faster and I can feel myself begin to hyperventilate. How does she stay positive and upbeat? She wears a smile you can see a mile away. What has she learned that has helped her navigate this not so great part of the aging process?
Rave:
Aging: Words of wisdom from the last woman standing…
I have asked Mom how she deals with loss and dramatic changes. First of all, she says, she learned a long time ago that nothing stays the same and has embraced that idea wholeheartedly. I can relate. “Nothing stays the same” has become my mantra of late. Secondly, Mom does have Linda and me, and many of you have children that you hope will take care of you until the end of your life. According to Mom, don’t count on it. It’s a harsh reality that some kids don’t take care of their parents or find it difficult because their lives are full.
Mom says, she “has always felt loved” and because of that, she can love, not only others but herself. Consequently, she is perfectly fine with her own company. And therein lies the key for me. I have struggled with self-love my whole life. Realizing Mom’s scenario may be mine someday, I’m inspired by her to finally let that struggle go.
Attitude:
Aging: Words of wisdom from the last woman standing…
What can we learn from this 98-year-old who has lost family, a daughter and all of her friends? Lots.
Mom’s self-love playbook:
Move on
Mom is not a saint! She does get sad. She does cry. I have cried with her and I have held her while she’s cried. However, she does not dwell there. We usually end up laughing and she moves on.
Gratitude
Every day Mom says out loud, “Thank you for my life.”
Curiosity
She asks people questions about their lives and really listens to their answers. She stays engaged.
Take care of yourself
Mom walks every day, 3 times around her parking lot holding on to her walker, 3 times a day! It’s a mile total.
She eats 1/2 of what is on her plate.
She dresses casually but beautifully every day.
She wears a big smile.
Self-talk
“Hi, Mom”, I say when I call. “How are you?” “WONDERFUL” is always her first response. My sister Linda and I call ‘wonderful’ a mantra.
Her other mantra is, “I have to see people.” (She has an aide that is with her 6 days a week for 5 hours per day who drives her to her favorite restaurant daily for breakfast. I tell her she’s like Norm on the sitcom Cheers. “Everybody knows her name!”)
Laughs often
Mom giggles at things she says. She said to me, “If you’re coming to visit an old lady, she doesn’t live here anymore!” and bursts out laughing.
I hope we are surrounded by love until age 110! May we find love from others but most importantly, may we create our own self-love playbooks and by doing so, inspire others to do the same.
Originally posted 2018-08-04 18:02:12.
Aging: Compassion for Ourselves and Others
Rant:
Aging: Compassion for ourselves and others…
There comes a time in all of our lives that one begins to realize sh– is going to happen! If not to you, to those you love or to your friends and those they love. When something happens, and it will, if you can’t do a thing about it, it hurts. It’s frustrating. It stinks!
So, as we age, why is it so hard sometimes to have compassion for ourselves or for others? Truth be told, we are all going through this together.
Even if you did not learn compassion in your home or from a role model but have experienced loss or illness seems like it would be easy to understand the plight of others who need understanding, empathy, and compassion just as you did. Am I wrong?
Compassion for ourselves:
Well, in the first place, maybe it’s because we have such a hard time finding compassion for ourselves. I wonder where we lost it? Or, did we ever have it? I looked up, ‘Is compassion learned’ and in fact it is. What a revelation!
As you know, I have a great Mom, but I don’t recall if she taught me self-love or compassion for myself. If she did, I’m thinking my life got in the way and I forgot. I do have a lot of compassion and empathy for others. I KNOW for sure Mom taught me that. Growing up in a house with 3 other girls (Mom included) raging hormones and one bathroom we learned understanding, boundaries and how to make-up after a knockdown drag-out! HA!! Whatever the reason, that part is easy.
It’s the compassion for me that’s harder. Going down that path feels like a guilty pleasure. How strange is that? As I get older and little things are happening to Mom and people I love, I’m beginning to realize how much I need that compassion. A loving friend turned me on to http://wildmind.org. It helps. So does exercise, meditation and the fabulous women in my life!
Compassion for others:
If you had no role model to show you what compassion looks like and you’re interested, there are plenty of places to find information. I found a compelling site: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23406/10-easy-ways-to-cultivate-compassion.html
Attitude:
Compassion for ourselves is reaching out to others and telling them what you need. It is not a weakness. It’s a strength. Being there for others, a phone call, a note, a cup of coffee, is a gift.
If you’re not interested in learning about having compassion for yourself or others, please don’t expect it in return.
It’s the mood I’m in today!!
Originally posted 2018-09-17 12:50:17.
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
Rant:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
I was talking to a (younger) friend of mine. I was telling her what fun it was to binge-watch The Crown (https://www.netflix.com). My (younger) friend said, “Wow Pamela. That really surprises me. I have always thought of you as being such a productive person.” After digesting that statement for a few days, I discovered my definition of productive has changed over the years. Productive used to mean something closer to what my friend was talking about, a paycheck, a physical goal reached. Something concrete and instant. Not anymore. That was a revelation and I thank her for it. Maybe my (younger) friend’s definition will change as she ages, too.
Rave:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
The last time I visited Mom she asked me to come outside because she had something to show me. Between maneuvering Mom’s 3-wheeler walker (her ‘Cadillac’ as she calls it) and taking more than a few minutes to get out the door, I couldn’t imagine what she wanted me to see. As we reached the sidewalk, Mom said, “Look up. See my beautiful tree. The branches are throwing their shadow on the building. I was so concerned it was dying, but I was wrong. It’s green again!” And with that, she became silent.
We stared at the tree for a few minutes not saying a word. Swirling in my head was TV news and all kinds of social media voices, so it took me a bit to be with her. The voices were quiet. I loved every minute of it. I was refreshed and thankful. Then it hit me, she’s always in the present moment when I’m with her. And I watch her in other situations too. I know there are times she is thinking of other things however they are never so big they interrupt a look out the window to watch the birds fly by or a walk outside to watch over her beloved tree. She’s all in! What a wonderful upside to growing older…being present!
I have recently picked up Eckart Tolle’s (http://www.eckarttolle.com) book, A New Earth…Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, for the third time. Tolle writes that one must ask themselves.” what kind of relationship you want to have with the present moment. The present moment is inseparable from life, so you are really deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with life.”
Attitude:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
My new definition of being productive: having a friendlier relationship with life by making “the present moment into your friend,” as Tolle says.
What was productive about binge-watching The Crown:
– I was seeing and hearing the show which helped me retain the historical information. I learned a lot.
– The show enabled me to have a substantive conversation with a friend who lived in the UK for much of her life and her boyfriend who is a history buff.
– The Crown is visually stunning. I admired those who created its’ look. It was inspiring.
– I was fully and completely present.
What I learned from Mom that day:
– She reminded me through her actions alone how soothing and wonderful being present feels.
– Mother gave me a taste of a forgotten peace. She inspired me to search it out on a regular basis.
– I can remind others through my actions to grab those soothing and wonderful moments. Maybe the voices that swirl in their heads can be quieted even for a little while.
Wow, who knew what productive moments of presence you can find just by looking up!
Originally posted 2018-10-23 00:06:07.
A Message to Remind Mom of Her Strengths When She Forgets
Rave:
A Message to remind Mom of her strengths when she forgets:
As I wrote in my blog dated August 8, 2018: http://newageaging.com/aging-words-wisdom-last-woman-standing/ even though my 98-year-old Mom has a wonderful attitude on life every once in a while she’ll cry.
We were curled up on the couch one afternoon on my last visit and there she was through tearful eyes apologizing for forgetting things and needing my help.
As I held her tight, this is what I said:
No one needs to tell me how lucky I am that you are here and thriving at 98 years old.
When you say that Susan, Linda and I are your crowning achievements I think to myself, ‘Really?’ Your strength always shone, holding your head up high as a single Mom in the ’50s when being divorced was a stigma. You received no child support from your ex (my father) and raised your three girls by selling vacuum cleaners strictly on commission at a major department store. Your daughters are/were proud of you for winning all kinds of sales awards. The word reached the two best-known vacuum cleaner companies in the region who sent their salespeople to you for training. That, to me, is an achievement!
You have taught me a lot about love, life and overcoming adversity.
Upon you hearing my voice you tell me your heart beats a little faster.
I always respond ‘no’ when you ask me, “Hey, did I tell you today that I love you?” even though you had, just so I can hear you say it again.
No matter what, I have always felt safe, loved and taken care of and I am eternally grateful.
You have loved me unconditionally. There is nothing you could do or no weakness you could show that would make me love you less.
I will be there for you always. Don’t worry about a thing.
I comfort her by saying all of the above with the hope that it soothed her heart and spirit. Her smile lets me know it had.
Then I said, ‘Ya know Mom, even though I felt safe and taken care of there were times when I wasn’t very happy with you.” “Really…when was that?” she responded with a surprised look on her face.
Here was some of the list I gave her…
- I assumed you would help me make my prom dress for my home economics project because your parents were wonderful tailors. Come to find out you didn’t know how to sew on a button let alone run a sewing machine!
- You said the word ‘penis’ in front of my girlfriends when I was in the 7th grade and even though that was the time we were sent home with booklets describing such things, I wanted to DIE! DIE! DIE! To this day, a friend of mine tells me I still have feelings around that one!
- You found out I cut school and when I asked you how you knew, you said you had a direct line to G-D! That made it really hard to ever do THAT again!!
Attitude:
A Message to remind Mom of her strengths when she forgets:
By the end of our talk, we were ‘rolling on the floor’ with laughter, as we say in our family. Those big ol’ tears evolved into giddy tears of joy.
And then I remembered a saying on Mom’s fridge by author Vivian Greene: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”
No worries Mom, along with lots of other things, I hope I’ll never forget that I learned how to dance in the rain from you too.
We all have people in our lives that have taught us how to dance in the rain. Have you let them know how precious they are? Because believe it or not, we all forget sometimes!
Originally posted 2018-08-22 12:18:22.