Category Archives: Rave
If I Knew Then What I Know Now…Part Two
Rave:
My last post: http://newageaging.com/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-part-one reflected on the ‘Aha’ moments I had attending my 50th year high school reunion the beginning of August this year. You know how it is when you have your own ‘Aha’ moments. Signs appear everywhere telling you that those moments of clarity can be incorporated into your life as lessons learned.
I am beginning to hear from women in their early to late 30’s who are wanting their moments of clarity when it comes to aging well. Delphine wrote on my About page on August 27th: “I’m happy to have found your blog. I believe that aging well is something that you can learn to do – and I want to learn how! Thank you for creating this positive space!”
I emailed a woman who approached me after a speech I gave, and asked her if there were any specific subjects I could write on that would appeal to her and her age group? This was her response, “I think women my age need to focus on keeping it real, not beating ourselves up. We take on a lot and always do for others. We need to have fun and embrace aging. I like the European style of not focusing on being perfect…I am a big fan of aging gracefully.”
Attitude:
That got me to thinking, if I and other women had the opportunity to talk to our 30-something year old selves, and say…hmmm, if I knew then what I know now…what would we say?
Linda B. age 68, writes:
“Stop wasting all that time worrying.
Be true to yourself.
Stop working so hard to the detriment of your family.
In marriage-You do not have to be right all the time. Let it go!
In work-Don’t ever let them see you cry! I was smarter than the men I worked with back then but didn’t realize it.
Every dog has their day. Be patient.”
Margaret B. age 51, writes:
“Surround yourself with kind and genuine people-they come in all shapes, sizes and income categories.
Don’t follow the glitter and the glitz all the time. In the end it usually loses its’ sparkle.
Don’t waste your time on men that don’t love you more then you love them.
It is OK to be single, no matter what the magazines, your friends (not if they are genuine) or co-workers say.
Don’t live beyond your means but make sure to treat yourself in big or small ways. You work hard & you deserve it. Whether it is a trip (near or far), a new pair of shoes, a pedicure or a glass of your favorite wine and a good book-embrace and enjoy!”
Brenda age 65, writes:
“Dear Me at 35: You are so worthy of being cherished, loved and respected. Tell yourself this everyday and believe it to be true. Only be in relationships, including the one with yourself that believe this about you and treat you this way.”
Anonymous age 73, writes:
“I wish I had known, at 35, in my gut, that I was beautiful. By that I mean, I wish I had risked taking pride in my looks, feeling foxy, flirty, admiring my own body, my smile, my curls, been willing to invite attention to myself, relishing attention when it came my way. I was raised to be modest and self-deprecating, and I got that all too right!
I wish I had, by 35, richer experiences of my own sexuality, my own pleasures. I had borne 2 children and been married twice by 35! Only later did I welcome full sexual pleasures of my own, with a partner and without.
I can’t turn these 2 wishes around and say I’m glad I didn’t know these things at 35. I wish I had. I like to think my soul would have been stronger, and I could have protected myself better from hurtful people, but of course I can never know. However, I’m very glad I know them now, at 73.”
Ann R. age 63, writes:
“On parenting – even though at 35 I was not yet a parent, I became one at 38. I would tell Mother Ann to let go of the idea of being a perfect parent. That if the best I could do was to love unconditionally my son, then I would be giving him the greatest gift and example for how to live. I just now realized the power of the gift of love.”
Susan B. age 68, writes:
“I don’t think my thoughts are the norm. After losing my Mom so suddenly, at a young age, I was very focused on appreciating each day and not taking the blessings in my life for granted. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Maybe I would have told myself not to worry so much.”
Beverly N. Ph.D age 68, writes:
Do no harm. But take no crap.
You teach people how to treat you.
Keep those shoulders back and show those breasts! Be proud!!! (from my Girl Scout Leader, Mrs. Ludden).
Be authentic in your relationships.
Take care of yourself — no one else can do a better job.
Don’t settle.
Figure out what you want; then figure out how to get it.
Sleep cures a plethora of things; hunger, depression, fatigue, confusion, sadness, loneliness…
You can’t be unhappy after going to the park, taking a walk, or riding a bike.
When you want something, sleep on it. If in two to three days you still want it GO GET IT!!!!
Go slowly in a relationship because if it’s solid, it will last and doesn’t have to be hurried. You have the rest of your life to watch it unfold.
Get your priorities right: your God, yourself, your closest relationships and family, your friends, your home/nature/outdoors, play, charity/give back, work if you’re lucky enough to have a job.
Pamela Z. age 68, writes:
If you feel the need to compete, compete only with yourself. Competing with women will only make you feel bad about yourself.
You don’t need to know everything. And, you won’t. You’ll be in learning mode your entire life. Be open to it. Listen to it. Embrace those ‘Aha’ moments.
Everything changes.
Cultivate girlfriends you honor and trust and make sure to keep them in your life, for the rest of your life!
Know you are lovable and worthy of being loved at any age. As Salma Hayek says: http://www.people.com/article/salma-hayek-words-wisdom-dating-advice:’I wish I could have told my younger self…”You are going to end up with the best guy in the world.” ‘
Mom and boyfriend Bern in 2008 when they were both 89 yrs old. They met in 2002.
Exercise
Moisturize
Having bad posture makes you look older than you are. Shoulders back, head up, starting now.
Seek out women whom you admire that are older than you. You will be surprised how many are already in your life. Watch them. Emulate them. They will teach you the art of aging well!
Originally posted 2015-09-14 19:10:49.
If I Knew Then What I Know Now…Part One
Rant:
Until a few weeks ago, it had been quite a while since I thought, “Boy, if I knew then what I know now!” It happened at my 50th year high school reunion the beginning of August. Reunions can be benchmarks of growth in one’s life. Wouldn’t you agree? If you have gone to a reunion of any sort, haven’t you walked away thinking, ‘Wow, I never would have thought that about that person/circumstance/situation.’ I am very proud of how far I’ve come. And maybe, just maybe, if I share some of my insights after leaving my reunion I can make a difference in some one else’s life.
What I wish I did not do:
-Smoke! Geez, what was I thinking. It definitely impacted my skin. And, who knows what it did to my insides.
-Be totally focused on the popular kids: trying to act, dress and talk like them. And even after all that, I never felt accepted nor did I find my own identity.
-Boys, boys, boys. Need I say more?
-Let the stigma of growing up in a single parent environment in the 50’s and early 60’s, run a lot of my life.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/30/growing-up-under-the-divorce-cloud
-Put my education way down the list of priorities and importance.
-Make assumptions about people based strictly on appearance.
-Ignore a compliment.
-Complain profusely about having to work at age 16 every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.
Rave:
What I’m glad I did do:
-Listened to mom when she told me to moisturize every time I washed my face.
My 95 year old Mom still practices what she preaches!
-Walked or rode my bike everywhere, swam at the local pool and skated on an iced parking lot all winter long. Exercise. It’s second nature to me now.
-The boy who broke my heart in high school told me he peaked at 17 and has yet to find himself!! I’m glad we never married!!
-Started work at 16. It taught me a work ethic that has served me well, throughout my entire professional life.
-Realized that if my Dad was in the picture, I never would have the wonderful, intimate relationship I have with my mom for a variety of reasons.
-Learned I never fit in with (who I thought) the popular kids were because I did not accept myself. It had nothing to do with them. I went on my own personal journey. That journey has taught me, don’t judge a book by it’s cover!
-Be thankful that even though education did not feel like a priority especially in high school, I received a wonderful education that has inspired me to be a life-long student.
-Learned to accept a compliment.
Attitude:
When I hear myself saying, “If I knew then what I know now”, I seem to follow it with, “Well, you didn’t so what difference does it make?” I realize life is a process, and if I knew EVERYTHING at 14 years old what would be the point of it all!! Life is an adventure and if one chooses to be open to it, a constant source of “AHA!” moments that are woven together to create a unique tapestry called YOU!
STAYED TUNED FOR: IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW…PART TWO I have asked some exquisite women to write what they would say to their 35-ish selves today. I can’t wait!!!
Originally posted 2015-08-30 18:04:48.
Take Care of Yourself. The Ultimate Gift.
RANT:
“Parents do expect their children will take care of them when they get older. Pamela. The truth is many children don’t.” That is what a social worker friend said to me in 1988 when I talked to her about my plan. I was living in Dallas, did not have children and wasn’t going to. My plan was to gather others who did not have children, form a group, get to know one another so we could rely on each other as we aged. The above response from my friend floored me. I said, “Huh? That can’t be right. Who doesn’t take care of their parents?” “More people than you can imagine,” was her response.
I have seen firsthand how children respond to parents who expect to be taken care of by them. It’s not pretty. In this particular case, the mother had taken care of her mother and assumed the daughter would do the same for her. The mother let her independence go when her husband passed away. That included giving up driving before she needed to give it up. As a friend of mine said, “It goes to show how out of touch the mother is with today’s world.” I agree with my friend’s observation. The daughter, who is in her early 70’s, has a husband, daughters and grandchildren. She has a life of her own. I know how much I dig in my heels when someone ‘expects’ that I respond a certain way! I REBEL. That’s exactly what the daughter did. How would you feel?
RAVE:
When I explained the above situation to my 95-year-old mother she said, “I was just as shocked when I moved to Florida and got a first hand look at friends whose children were not involved in their lives. I personally can not imagine you and Linda not being in my life, however, parents should never expect to be taken care of by their kids.” Every time Mom has let my sister and me know that she has gone to the gym, paid all her bills, hired a handyman to fix things, made friends with folks who ultimately call her to make sure she is doing well, de-cluttered her home, updated her will, paid for her funeral arrangements (it’s reality folks), used her long-term health care policy to hire an aide for 6 hours a day…and the list goes on, we are relieved. And a voice inside of me says, “Thank you Mom. Now, what can I do for you?”
ATTITUDE:
What I learned from that conversation in 1988 is whether you have children or not, taking care of yourself to the best of your ability is the ultimate gift! Do whatever it takes to keep, or get, your own house in order. There are many websites dedicated to physical, mental and spiritual health, finances, insurance and more. Study them. Use them.
Listed below are a few of my favorites:
nextavenue.org: Where Grown-ups Keep Growing
seniorplanet.org: Aging with Attitude
prevention.com: Information about getting fit, losing weight and living healthier lives
aarp.org: Information on estate planning-living wills-trusts-inheritance
intentionswork.com: Leave a legacy of love
nealedonaldwalsch.com: Daily Inspiration
yogajournal.com: Learn to meditate and yoga transformation
lifepathretreats.com: Integrative Wellness Center and B&B
The ultimate gift is that by taking care of yourself now, you and all those who are close to you can breathe a sigh of relief and live long and unencumbered lives.
Originally posted 2015-07-27 02:01:31.
10 Tips To Tell That You’ve Grown Up
Rant:
I am saying ‘grown up’ not grown old! Big difference. Remember when you used to fight with your siblings, or a friend, and they’d say, “Oh, why don’t you grow up?” I don’t know about you but I’d usually yell back, ” I AM GROWN UP!!!!” That’s when I was like 12!! HA! Who knew there was a lot more to learn! I rebelled. I fought back. That was being a grown up, right? I frankly did not have a clue what I was doing. I plowed through decisions without thinking of the consequences. And, there were a lot of consequences. I loved to shock people, among them my twin sister. If I could get her to yell, “PAMELA”, I knew I’d reached my goal of totally being obnoxious, and in my opinion, grown up!
Rave:
My last blog post, 8 Ways To Leave A Lasting Impression spoke of how older generations(grown ups) can leave a lasting impression on younger generations. On a Friday afternoon many years ago, my algebra (UGH!) teacher, Mr. Scott, asked me to stay after class. This hulk of a man (he was over 6 feet tall) pulled up a chair very close to my face and said, ‘So you think your antics in class are funny? You think chewing gum, talking and being sent to the assistant principal’s office (often), is being grown up? Well, it’s not. You have all the potential in the world and you’re throwing it away. Being an adult takes courage. It means being responsible for your actions. Now leave. And, if you want to continue in my class, you’ll think long and hard about what I said before I see you again’. YIKES! First of all, no one had ever said I had potential. Did Mr. Scott’s in-my-face confrontation send me down the more grown up path? Well, yes and no. Did I have the courage to take a hard look at myself? A little bit. Did I ever act up again? No.
I thought ‘being grown up’ meant I had to conform. I did in many ways. I didn’t like it. I shrank. I struggled to fit in…that meant trying to be accepted by the popular girls…which never happened, and of course, I took personally.
Attitude:
In the Washington Post magazine dated May 24, 2015, an essay by Jim Sollisch, a creative director at an ad agency in Cleveland, writes about an audacious decision he made in the 9th grade, and “marvels at the boldness of my decision…that wasn’t driven by principle as much as by ego and impulse, two things we learn to control as we become adults.” In The Day I Stood Up to the Man Sollisch says, “Humans are hard-wired to seek social approval, to join groups. We are conformists who create norms for every organization we form, no matter how small.” He wonders, “…what ideas I might not have censored, what risky paths I might have taken. I’ll never know, but as I grow older, I grow younger. I care less about what others think…I am inspired by the ghost of my former self…”
So, how can you tell when you’ve grown up?
-Are there audacious moves you have made that would make your ‘former self’ proud?
-Do you play with abandonment? Examples include: Dancing (even if you think you’re not good at it), singing (same as dancing), traveling somewhere you’ve never been, saying ‘yippee’, ‘wahoo’, ‘yaaaaaaaa’ often?
YAHOOOOOO!! My friend Heidi…loving life!
-Do you treat yourself?
-Do you know that not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay?
-Do you ask for what you want?
-Do you forgive your shortcomings? And, other people’s?
-Do you take responsibility for your actions?
-Have you stopped blaming your parents for how you were raised?
-Have you taken a risk now and then?
-Do you not conform to what society says you should, ‘be like’ ‘act like’ ‘look like’ ‘dress like’
at a certain age?
A pair of my 95 year old Mother’s shoes…
My 50th year high school reunion is coming up this August. I would love to see Mr. Scott so I could tell him he set me on the path to being a grown-up and it only took me until I was 68 to figure out that I think I’ve arrived. “WAHOO,” she says with reckless abandon!!
And you?
Originally posted 2015-05-25 22:13:51.