Category Archives: Rant
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
Connection-How To Find It
Rave:
Connection-How to Find it. I’m grateful Mom is a 96-year-old happy woman who still inspires so many. Grateful because if I read the article below, not knowing it doesn’t have to be that way, I’d be breathing in a bag right now:
http://www.nextavenue.org/boomers-less-tied-to-friends-and-family-than-others-are/
It states:
The most dramatic change in social engagement was observed in 55- to 64-year-olds. This cohort, which is nearing retirement, is not only engaging less with their communities, but they have fewer meaningful interactions with their spouses or partners and weaker ties to family and friends.
Mom grabs life any way she can. Sister Linda and I live in Virginia and all of her friends and family are gone. Connection is extremely important to her. Whether it be eating breakfast at the same deli every morning because, “I have to see people every day” to walking around the common area at her condo to “be in touch with a little nature ” or knocking on a neighbor’s door to introduce herself. She said hello to a family next door who had a little boy. She supported his school by buying wrapping paper and chocolate over the years. The last time I was there, that ‘little boy’ was 19 and home from his first year of college. He saw Mom as we walked to our car, ran out of his house and gave her the biggest hug. They talked for 15 minutes about college and his life. As I watched the two of them, I couldn’t help getting teary eyed. Mom was in heaven. When we got in the car she said to me, “See, it doesn’t take much.”
Rant:
Connection is risky but at this point in our lives, we probably have taken a few risks along the way. That’s why the article from http://www.nextavenue.org was jaw dropping. Really? People disengage? YIKES! A good friend said, “Risk taking is a conscious decision.” I agree. When we were younger, most of us thought less about the consequences associated with taking a risk. As time goes by, we tend to forget how elated and proud we were when something we jumped into worked out. It seems now we concentrate more on the “I think I’ll remain in my comfort zone because I don’t need to prove anything anymore” mode.
The questions we ask, before taking on something new or getting out of our comfort zones, change. 10 or 20 years ago we might have said, “What do I have to lose?” Now the questions become, What do I really want? What am I missing? Am I happy? If the answer, especially to the last question, is no, take a deep breath and dive right in.
(This portion taken from a previous blog dated March, 2014)
Connection:
Keeps you in touch with you
Keeps you interesting
Keeps you involved in life
Keeps you healthy
Keeps you engaged with others
Keeps you excited
Attitude:
How to find connection:
Volunteer. There are so many people in our age groups that are volunteering. Even if you are an introvert, it’s a great way to connect with others of like mind.
Take a trip. Day trips, overnights, cruises, educational…So many trips out there. I know people who have made life long friends from all over the world.
Go for a walk. Nature is a wonderful feeling of connection.
Learn something new. Everyone in a class is there because they want to learn something new, too. Takes the scary out of trying it when you realize that.
Sample working with your hands. A friend of mine started knitting. She’s in the knit shop all the time getting mistakes corrected and meeting others in her same situation.
Read.
Learn to dance. Everyone is a novice.
Smile a lot. People will be drawn to you. I see it with Mom all the time.
Get a pet if you can. Nothing like walking a dog to meet other people.
Knock on a neighbor’s door. I moved to Dallas Texas not knowing anyone. My girlfriend, who drove to Texas with me said she was going next door to meet my neighbor so I would at least know someone. NOOOOOOO, I said. Believe it or not, I was quite the introvert and very shy. I practically tackled her! Well, she did it anyway and it’s a good thing she did. He knew everyone in the apartment complex and included me in all that was going on. I learned right then if she had not made that move, I would have been so very lonely. That lesson has served me well.
Join a team sport: After reading this post the day I published, a rowing buddy and my good friend Eleanor reminded me that 3 out of the 4 of us that rowed the Head of the Charles (a premier rowing regatta in Boston) had all begun rowing in our 50’s! How could I forget that!! When we started in our respective novice programs none of us knew what we were doing, but we have stuck with it. The camaraderie and team spirit we have developed between the four us as well as the rest of the team will last us a lifetime.
Three of us started rowing in our mid-50’s
Please, please, please stay connected! What ever that looks like for you. It will prolong your life.
Just look at Mom!
These folks are in their 60’s and 70’s
My friends visit Mom when they are in Florida!
Mom’s 95th. These people are in their late 90’s
Originally posted 2016-06-14 20:35:38.
5 Important Tips to Combat “Well, at your age”
Re-posting…
Rant:
“Well, at your age.” ” If I hear that one more time,” that’s what my mother-in-law Zelda used to say with such drama and sarcasm. Ya well, I’m beginning to relate. I asked my 98-year-old Mom if her doctor ever used that phrase? She said yes he had but only once. How did she get him to stop saying it, I inquired. “All I said was, how old are you doctor? He said he was 52. You know at your age lots of things are beginning to happen. Right? Would you like me to remind you of that fact every time I saw you?” While talking to the doctor Mom said all she could think about was that ‘little blue pill!’
Washington Post had an article in the Health & Science section by Steven Petrow called I’m a boomer who’s not yet ready to be old. Petrow says he’s “been steeped in the stereotypes of what it means to be old”. The example he gives is “funny”… “birthday cards that equate being older with being decrepit.” I actually bought a card last week to use in a future blog. I guess the time is now:
Really? 50 for goodness sake! Think back when you were 50 or headed that way, are you a lot of the above? I”ll give you ‘squinty’…but that’s all I’ll give you! At 50 I was running 10K’s, traveling all over the world, making a great living at a job I loved, dating and loving life! What about you? Oh, and by the way, the dwarfs were already 50 when we met them in the 1950’s and they carried pickaxes, got up at the crack of dawn, walked miles to work, hacked into the side of a mountain all day, threw big rocks onto a cart on a rail line and walked home in the dark!
Rave:
Mom says she doesn’t know what 96 is supposed to feel or be like. Case in point, the other day she told me she was a little unsteady on her feet and was wondering if it was possibly due to her age!
A girl I row with said, “you don’t look or act like you’re 72!” She’s 43. So, I was going to write another blog about the perceptions younger people have on age and old. And, boom, AARP publishes a video on-line two weeks ago: “We asked millennials to show us what “old” looks like, and then introduced them to real “old” people. Watch what happened next.” #DisruptAging I hope you watch it. It is very powerful.
I think between today’s Washington Post article and the AARP video, the universe is telling me I’m on the right path with my Rants, Raves and Attitudes!
Attitudes:
5 Tips to Combat “Well at your age”:
- Don’t drink the Kool-Aid! Just because you woke up and felt achy doesn’t mean it’s over, you’re old! What did you do the day before? Could be more than a millennial did! Just saying.
- Look at the positives: I find not beating myself up about stupid stuff I’ve said or done is freeing. When I was younger, oh I was so hard on myself. Glad I’m not anymore.
- Take a risk. A friend of mine calls it ‘sampling’. A neighbor told me he started a drawing class. He says he’s the worst in the class, but he didn’t care. Don’t care so much about the outcome. Just try it.
- Seek out like-minded people. People who are positive. People who are active, whatever that looks like.
- Be proud of where you are: I know I am the best almost 69-year-old person I can be. Do you? Are you enjoying life to the fullest? I hang out with lots of people who do as much, and some times more, than people younger than ourselves. I’m grateful I made it here. So, when someone asks you ‘how old are you anyway?’ say with a great deal of pride, “I’m (state your age).” It’ll take you back to your teens when you were so proud to say how old you were because you were growing up. YA, like that!!
Originally posted 2016-04-20 00:05:30.
Aging-Vulnerabilities
Rant:
Aging-Vulnerabilities
Hi there. It’s been a while!
I could say that life got in the way and that is partly true. If I were completely honest with myself and you, I’d say whatever confidence I had about writing encouraging words and wisdom vanished! It was fear! After all, who am I to communicate to others my experiences as a woman in my 70’s (OH MY!), with the hope that I could make a difference in other people’s lives. My 100-year-old Mom’s experiences, yes! Not mine.
I found every excuse in the world for not doing the one thing that I love, writing. But this is personal stuff, I thought. This is baring my soul, showing my vulnerabilities. It felt like I was back in the seventh grade. Remember THAT feeling? All those ‘what if’s’: What if people don’t like me anymore or think I’m full of myself! What if they think my writing sucks! Do you know what I discovered? Those seventh-grade feelings are visceral! They’re in my DNA. Who knew! Did you? Now that’s a blog for another day.
Rave:
Aging-Vulnerabilities
In the past year, I have had occasions that have shown me, yes, I’ve been around a while and I have had life experiences that possibly/probably will resonate with others.
So I’m taking a deep breath while I write, vulnerabilities be damned.
Attitude:
Aging-Vulnerabilities
I will be writing about those experiences very soon.
I look forward to sharing them with you and receiving your feedback.
I think I just graduated!
Originally posted 2020-04-16 23:28:31.