Category Archives: Attitude
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Rant:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
**I wrote this blog based on the experiences I have had. It can be applied to all forms of relationships.
My twin sister Linda and I, along with our sister Susan, were raised by a single Mom. Susan was 5, Linda and I were 3 when our parents separated. There was lots of drama that accompanied that event. It lasted for a long time.
It was the 50’s. Dad was absent, both physically and financially. As a result, even though I was surrounded by aunts and uncles who had wonderful long marriages, I did not receive good messages about men, period. I always went for the guys that were unavailable. They were my Dad!
I’ve been married three times. The first was for 5 minutes (one year), the second was 10 years later (for 12 years) then 13 years later I married Jake. We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this November.
When the second marriage ended I was devasted. I walked into a therapist’s office and said, “Tell me how to prevent that from ever happening again.” Four years later I graduated.
I learned to observe women when they were with men. I also learned to ask questions of women I trusted.
Rave:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
Fast forward to the summer of 2019. My car had been hit while parked in front of the house. Jake followed me to an auto body shop. As I was talking to a girl behind the counter, Jake came in and said, “Everything alright Honey? Do you need me?” I said no. He kissed me on my forehead and left to wait in the car. When I turned back around the girl was staring at me. “Wow, that was cool, she said. The men of my generation don’t look up from their phones long enough to know we exist. It’s just the way it is, I guess.” I smiled at her, but, inside I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Consequently, I could not stop thinking about our conversation. Everything bubbled up in me. No, I said to myself, it really doesn’t have to be that way. I thought long and hard about imposing upon this girl. After all, who was I to tell her what I learned? However, if someone had given me pointers it could have saved me heartache and confusion.
When I returned to the shop for a follow-up visit, I handed the girl an envelope. “These were pointers I received along the way to the relationship I have now. Maybe they can be of use to you too,” I said.
This is what was written inside:
What Women Taught Me About Men
!) Women teach men how to treat them.
2) If a man tells you something about himself believe him:
For example: “You don’t want to get mixed up with me.”
It’s probably true.
3) Try not to be available all the time.
4) Say “yes” and stick to it. Say “no” and stick to it.
5) Ask for what you want with dignity and respect…but ask.
6) If you assume a role:
Example…Doing the laundry for both of you, making all the social plans, cleaning, cooking, paying the bills, etc.
you’ll probably have that role for the rest of your life.
7) Do not give up your friends.
8) Avoid passive aggressive behavior. Say what works and doesn’t work when it happens.
9) Say thank you, give praise, be kind.
10) Make yourself happy. You are the only one who can.
A few weeks later when I returned to retrieve my car I was met by the girl who was seemingly waiting for me. She thanked me more than a few times and said she posted it on her Instagram with over 40 great responses from her friends.
Attitude:
Aging: What Women Taught Me About Men
I could write the name of every woman who taught me, either by example or advice, next to the tips above. They left an enormous impact.
Maybe I made that same impact on a young woman on her journey.
Below is a portion from http://secure.dailyom.com dated March 16, 2020, entitled: Becoming Our Own Role Models:
If we envision a world where women support each other and help each other find their place in an ever-changing world, then we can become the change we want to see. Jealousy, envy, criticism, and judgment are refuges for the insecure. As we help others to become self-assured, we create a world in which all people help each other, regardless of gender. Only women can make the change in how women are seen and understood, not just by other women but by the world at large. The way we speak about each other to other women and to the men in our lives informs everyone to treat us with the respect that all women, and all people, deserve.
I thank the women who imparted their wisdom to me.
It felt good to pass it on.
6 Reasons Taking a Risk is More Important as We Age
Rave:
My muse has taken a break from musing. Yep, she (that would be my 94 year old Mom) made a conscious decision to take a risk. She elected to have her right hip replaced in February. She had her left hip done a few years ago and came through with flying colors. Not so much, this time. According to the doctor, she is two years older and healing takes longer. “Well, at your age…” is how he began his conversation. (That phrase is the subject for a blog, another time.) The truth is she has friends who elected not to have the surgery. They were in good health but the risks, they felt, were too great. Consequently, they will be living with high-powered drugs that only mask the severe pain, for the rest of their lives. Not Mom’s idea of quality of life. So, even though it’s taking her longer to feel great, she has no regrets, which started me thinking about risk taking.
Rant:
Here I am, right this minute, taking a risk. I’ve been so focused on Mom’s recovery that the creative flow vanished. Being exhausted from it all hasn’t helped, either. My first reaction was panic. What if it never comes back? Well, like my Mom, if this isn’t perfect and it takes longer for the full force of the ‘flow’ to return, then so be it. Ready or not, I have to jump in.
A good friend said, “Risk taking is a conscious decision.” I agree. When we were younger, most of us thought less about the consequences associated with taking a risk. As time goes by, we tend to forget how elated and proud we were when something we jumped into worked out. It seems now we concentrate more on the “I think I’ll remain in my comfort zone because I don’t need to prove anything anymore” mode.
The questions we ask, before taking on something new, change. 10 or 20 years ago we might have said, “What do I have to lose?” Now the questions become, What do I really want? What am I missing? Am I happy? If the answer, especially to the last question, is no, take a deep breath and dive right in.
Taking a risk:
- Keeps you in touch with you
- Keeps you interesting
- Keeps you involved in life
- Keeps you healthy
- Keeps you engaged with others
- Keeps you excited
Attitude:
Set a goal
Take that trip
Move
Take the class
Cut your hair/change the color
Get healthier
Speak up
Go on a blind date/On-line date
Learn to dance
Engage in eye contact
Smile a lot
Laugh more
The list goes on and on.
Really, if you think about it, what do you have to lose?
Start today.
Originally posted 2014-03-31 20:56:34.
Ten Reasons Why Laughing is Good for You
Rave:
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t stop laughing! I did fall a few weeks ago. Don’t worry, it was a ‘controlled fall’. I’m taking what I thought was a gentle yoga class from Erin, who doesn’t have the same definition of ‘gentle yoga’ as I do. “I think you guys are ready to try a headstand,” she says. “Right, like that’s going to happen,” I hear myself saying. “Just try it. Any part of it will do.” She made it look so easy that all of us attempted it. I got one leg up then Erin stood behind me, grabbed my other leg and up I went. Of course the minute she let go I fell and immediately started laughing. It was a visceral response. I felt so unencumbered. I was eager to try the headstand this week, looking forward more to the laughing then accomplishing the pose.
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.” George Bernard Shaw
I had forgotten the joy of playing in the front yard, doing a cartwheel, a somersault or a headstand, landing head over heels and laughing from the freedom of it all.
Rant:
I’m not proposing that you do cartwheels, headstands or somersaults; however, ‘any part of that will do.’ Just laugh! Out loud big laughs or inside giggles. It doesn’t matter. Laugh. Often.
Laughter:
- is freedom
- is living
- is contagious
- is intriguing
- is connection
- is sensual
- creates vitality
- makes you high
- breaks down barriers
- is fun
Attitude:
As Mom and I were talking over pancakes at her favorite breakfast restaurant, a man, woman and a 8 or 9-year-old boy walked past us on their way out. “Hi little boy,” Mom said as she waves at him. I realize as I re-adjust my focus, I am no longer looking at my Mom, but at an 8 or 9-year-old little girl on the playground of her elementary school, reaching out to make a new friend. The couple, the boy and I were taken back a bit. Their car was parked in front of the picture window where we were sitting. As I watch, the boy lets go of his Mom’s hand, walks up to the window and plants his face against the glass right in front of Mom. He starts making funny faces at her. He crosses his eyes, sticks his tongue out, takes two fingers and pulls the corners of his mouth down and Mom does it right back to him. Then he runs back to the car and they drive away. We laughed ’til we cried, right there, in front of the whole restaurant. I notice as I look around, people were laughing with us even though they didn’t have a clue what had happened. The laughter was contagious. It had a residual effect that lasted the entire day. Priceless.
We grew up with laughter. Mom laughs and plays a lot. That 8 year-old little girl that sat across from me at the restaurant has never left Mom. No matter what has happened in her life, and she’s been through a lot, she has never forgotten the laughter playing on her own front lawn brought her. We shouldn’t either!
Sister Linda and Mom
Originally posted 2014-02-21 16:22:17.
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
Rant:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
I was talking to a (younger) friend of mine. I was telling her what fun it was to binge-watch The Crown (https://www.netflix.com). My (younger) friend said, “Wow Pamela. That really surprises me. I have always thought of you as being such a productive person.” After digesting that statement for a few days, I discovered my definition of productive has changed over the years. Productive used to mean something closer to what my friend was talking about, a paycheck, a physical goal reached. Something concrete and instant. Not anymore. That was a revelation and I thank her for it. Maybe my (younger) friend’s definition will change as she ages, too.
Rave:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
The last time I visited Mom she asked me to come outside because she had something to show me. Between maneuvering Mom’s 3-wheeler walker (her ‘Cadillac’ as she calls it) and taking more than a few minutes to get out the door, I couldn’t imagine what she wanted me to see. As we reached the sidewalk, Mom said, “Look up. See my beautiful tree. The branches are throwing their shadow on the building. I was so concerned it was dying, but I was wrong. It’s green again!” And with that, she became silent.
We stared at the tree for a few minutes not saying a word. Swirling in my head was TV news and all kinds of social media voices, so it took me a bit to be with her. The voices were quiet. I loved every minute of it. I was refreshed and thankful. Then it hit me, she’s always in the present moment when I’m with her. And I watch her in other situations too. I know there are times she is thinking of other things however they are never so big they interrupt a look out the window to watch the birds fly by or a walk outside to watch over her beloved tree. She’s all in! What a wonderful upside to growing older…being present!
I have recently picked up Eckart Tolle’s (http://www.eckarttolle.com) book, A New Earth…Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, for the third time. Tolle writes that one must ask themselves.” what kind of relationship you want to have with the present moment. The present moment is inseparable from life, so you are really deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with life.”
Attitude:
Aging: On Being Present and Productive
My new definition of being productive: having a friendlier relationship with life by making “the present moment into your friend,” as Tolle says.
What was productive about binge-watching The Crown:
– I was seeing and hearing the show which helped me retain the historical information. I learned a lot.
– The show enabled me to have a substantive conversation with a friend who lived in the UK for much of her life and her boyfriend who is a history buff.
– The Crown is visually stunning. I admired those who created its’ look. It was inspiring.
– I was fully and completely present.
What I learned from Mom that day:
– She reminded me through her actions alone how soothing and wonderful being present feels.
– Mother gave me a taste of a forgotten peace. She inspired me to search it out on a regular basis.
– I can remind others through my actions to grab those soothing and wonderful moments. Maybe the voices that swirl in their heads can be quieted even for a little while.
Wow, who knew what productive moments of presence you can find just by looking up!
Originally posted 2018-10-23 00:06:07.