In Defense of an Independent Woman
Attitude:
An independent woman. That’s what my 96 year old Mom called herself today. She said it because at 96 things are beginning to happen that make her less independent and she is uncomfortable about it all. “I’m forgetting where I put things and my body is changing. I’m finding it so hard to accept. I have been an independent woman my whole life.”
Believe me I know how lucky I am to still have Mom! Many of you have seen your parents and loved ones age and go through the process Mom is going through right now. I have not. Neither has Mom. Her Dad died when she was 12 and her mother was institutionalized (a post for a different day) when mother was very young. She has said to me more than once that she never really saw anyone grow old. That’s a double edged sword, if you ask me. On the one hand, she has no preconceived ideas what she should be like, act like or look like at 96. So she has created herself counter to the mindset in this country and become an inspiration to many. On the other hand neither she nor I know what to expect. Maybe even if we did it would still be a hard thing to watch, and I am sure for Mom, it’s a hard thing to be going through.
You can read and talk about what to say to a parent when you know it’s time to take their car keys or move them to a assisted living facility. But, how do you respond to a parent who says they are acutely aware their bodies and minds are changing and they are embarrassed and what the hell happened to their independence? In other words, what do you say when you can’t stop the forward momentum of their lives and neither can they? What I was able to come up with was to tell her that I heard her. That it must be very difficult for her and that it was all okay. I said not to be so hard on herself and I was proud of her no matter what. I told her that we had hired a person to be with her who, up to this point, hasn’t had much to do so it was time she earned her keep. That made Mom laugh! And even though in my gut and in my heart I was so sad, to hear her laugh was the BEST.
I had an ‘aha’ moment when Mom called herself ‘an independent woman’. No wonder I have always been attracted to women in life and in novels who have their struggles and overcome them without much help from others. There is strength and dignity and grace from experiences of that kind. And no matter what happens in life, that never ever ever goes away. I’m going to tell Mom that the next time I speak to her!!
Originally posted 2016-03-02 21:17:59.
Thank you, Pamela, for commenting on this subject. While my Mom had her mother here until about age 75, my Grandmommy didn’t really talk about growing old with my Mom and Grandmommy then had several strokes which caused her to loose her speech leaving her unable to tell Mom her personal details of how her body was changing. Now, my Mom is always telling me, honey when your this age that will happen and when your that age, this will happen. She too is learning from her own experiences. Fortunately she lives in a senior apartment complex where some of the ladies do talk about women’s issues so she is learning that she is normal through them. Thank God for Mothers and Girlfriends to help up navigate the life we are given with grace!
What a wonderful and touching article. If we are lucky this is something all of us will face. I hope and pray that I can age with close to the amount of grace, courage and strength that you mother is showing.
Thank you Brenda. Hopefully we’ll be around so we can remind each other or at least laugh our heads off going through it!!
Pamela, you are lucky to have your mom but she is also lucky- she has a daughter like you!
Thanks for the beautiful post