Take Care of Yourself. The Ultimate Gift.
RANT:
“Parents do expect their children will take care of them when they get older. Pamela. The truth is many children don’t.” That is what a social worker friend said to me in 1988 when I talked to her about my plan. I was living in Dallas, did not have children and wasn’t going to. My plan was to gather others who did not have children, form a group, get to know one another so we could rely on each other as we aged. The above response from my friend floored me. I said, “Huh? That can’t be right. Who doesn’t take care of their parents?” “More people than you can imagine,” was her response.
I have seen firsthand how children respond to parents who expect to be taken care of by them. It’s not pretty. In this particular case, the mother had taken care of her mother and assumed the daughter would do the same for her. The mother let her independence go when her husband passed away. That included giving up driving before she needed to give it up. As a friend of mine said, “It goes to show how out of touch the mother is with today’s world.” I agree with my friend’s observation. The daughter, who is in her early 70’s, has a husband, daughters and grandchildren. She has a life of her own. I know how much I dig in my heels when someone ‘expects’ that I respond a certain way! I REBEL. That’s exactly what the daughter did. How would you feel?
RAVE:
When I explained the above situation to my 95-year-old mother she said, “I was just as shocked when I moved to Florida and got a first hand look at friends whose children were not involved in their lives. I personally can not imagine you and Linda not being in my life, however, parents should never expect to be taken care of by their kids.” Every time Mom has let my sister and me know that she has gone to the gym, paid all her bills, hired a handyman to fix things, made friends with folks who ultimately call her to make sure she is doing well, de-cluttered her home, updated her will, paid for her funeral arrangements (it’s reality folks), used her long-term health care policy to hire an aide for 6 hours a day…and the list goes on, we are relieved. And a voice inside of me says, “Thank you Mom. Now, what can I do for you?”
ATTITUDE:
What I learned from that conversation in 1988 is whether you have children or not, taking care of yourself to the best of your ability is the ultimate gift! Do whatever it takes to keep, or get, your own house in order. There are many websites dedicated to physical, mental and spiritual health, finances, insurance and more. Study them. Use them.
Listed below are a few of my favorites:
nextavenue.org: Where Grown-ups Keep Growing
seniorplanet.org: Aging with Attitude
prevention.com: Information about getting fit, losing weight and living healthier lives
aarp.org: Information on estate planning-living wills-trusts-inheritance
intentionswork.com: Leave a legacy of love
nealedonaldwalsch.com: Daily Inspiration
yogajournal.com: Learn to meditate and yoga transformation
lifepathretreats.com: Integrative Wellness Center and B&B
The ultimate gift is that by taking care of yourself now, you and all those who are close to you can breathe a sigh of relief and live long and unencumbered lives.
Originally posted 2015-07-27 02:01:31.
Thank you Mimi. Knowing you as I do, you would do nothing less than care for your Mother. I admire you for many reasons, and your sense of humanity is at the top of the list. I am glad you are taking care of yourself through it all. My point exactly.
Right on, Pamela!
How right you are and how grateful I am for mother
Another great post Pamela. Families come in such a variety of configurations today – taking care of yourself is truly a gift, both to your family and to you as you aim to successfully age! And, thanks for the shout out to Intentions Work.
Thought provoking and informitive as usual! I have the unusual experience of caring for an abusive elderly parent and have been asked why I continue to do so. The role of family is deeply ingrained thanks to loving grandmothers and aunts and I can’t do otherwise and not lose my sense of humanity. I’ve learned to put up new walls to protect myself and family as elder-care as taken us into new territory.
I agree strongly with your attitude section! We watch the effects of my mother’s addictions and mental health issues on her life and ours and vow to take care of ourselves physically, mentally and financially.
I appreciate the sites you’ve provided and will add them to my care files.
I look forward to the next entry!