Take Care of Yourself. The Ultimate Gift.

RANT:

“Parents do expect their children will take care of them when they get older. Pamela.  The truth is many children don’t.”  That is what a social worker friend said to me in 1988 when I talked to her about my plan. I was living in Dallas, did not have children and wasn’t going to. My plan was to gather others who did not have children, form a group, get to know one another so we could rely on each other as we aged.  The above response from my friend floored me.  I said, “Huh? That can’t be right.  Who doesn’t take care of their parents?” “More people than you can imagine,” was her response.

I have seen firsthand how children respond to parents who expect to be taken care of by them.  It’s not pretty.  In this particular case, the mother had taken care of her mother and assumed the daughter would do the same for her.  The mother let her independence go when her husband passed away.  That included giving up driving before she needed to give it up.  As a friend of mine said, “It goes to show how out of touch the mother is with today’s world.”  I agree with my friend’s observation.  The daughter, who is in her early 70’s, has a husband, daughters and grandchildren.  She has a life of her own.  I know how much I dig in my heels when someone ‘expects’ that I respond a certain way! I REBEL.  That’s exactly what the daughter did.  How would you feel?

 

RAVE:

When I explained the above situation to my 95-year-old mother she said, “I was just as shocked when I moved to Florida and got a first hand look at friends whose children were not involved in their lives.  I personally can not imagine you and Linda not being in my life, however, parents should never expect to be taken care of by their kids.” Every time Mom has let my sister and me know that she has gone to the gym, paid all her bills, hired a handyman to fix things, made friends with folks who ultimately call her to make sure she is doing well, de-cluttered her home, updated her will, paid for her funeral arrangements (it’s reality folks), used her long-term health care policy to hire an aide for 6 hours a day…and the list goes on,  we are relieved.  And a voice inside of me says, “Thank you Mom.  Now, what can I do for you?”

 

ATTITUDE:

What I learned from that conversation in 1988 is whether you have children or not, taking care of yourself to the best of your ability is the ultimate gift!  Do whatever it takes to keep, or get, your own house in order.  There are many websites dedicated to physical, mental and spiritual health, finances, insurance and more. Study them.  Use them.

Listed below are a few of my favorites:

nextavenue.org: Where Grown-ups Keep Growing

seniorplanet.org: Aging with Attitude

prevention.com: Information about getting fit, losing weight and living healthier lives

aarp.org: Information on estate planning-living wills-trusts-inheritance

intentionswork.com: Leave a legacy of love

nealedonaldwalsch.com: Daily Inspiration

yogajournal.com: Learn to meditate and yoga transformation

lifepathretreats.com: Integrative Wellness Center and B&B

 

The ultimate gift is that by taking care of yourself now, you and all those who are close to you can breathe a sigh of relief and live long and unencumbered lives.

 

Originally posted 2015-07-27 02:01:31.

10 Tips To Tell That You’ve Grown Up

Rant:

 

I am saying ‘grown up’ not grown old!  Big difference.  Remember when you used to fight with your siblings, or a friend, and they’d say, “Oh, why don’t you grow up?” I don’t know about you but I’d usually yell back, ” I AM GROWN UP!!!!” That’s when I was like 12!!  HA! Who knew there was a lot more to learn!  I rebelled.  I fought back.  That was being a grown up, right? I frankly did not have a clue what I was doing.  I plowed through decisions without thinking of the consequences.  And, there were a lot of consequences.  I loved to shock people, among them my twin sister.  If I could get her to yell, “PAMELA”, I knew I’d reached my goal of totally being obnoxious, and in my opinion, grown up!

Rave:

 

My last blog post, 8 Ways To Leave A Lasting Impression spoke of how older generations(grown ups) can leave a lasting impression on younger generations.  On a Friday afternoon many years ago, my algebra (UGH!) teacher, Mr. Scott,  asked me to stay after class. This hulk of a man (he was over 6 feet tall) pulled up a chair very close to my face and said, ‘So you think your antics in class are funny?  You think chewing gum, talking and being sent to the assistant principal’s office (often), is being grown up? Well, it’s not.  You have all the potential in the world and you’re throwing it away. Being an adult takes courage.  It means being responsible for your actions.  Now leave.  And, if you want to continue in my class, you’ll think long and hard about what I said before I see you again’. YIKES!  First of all, no one had ever said I had potential. Did Mr. Scott’s in-my-face confrontation send me down the more grown up path? Well, yes and no.  Did I have the courage to take a hard look at myself?  A little bit.  Did I ever act up again?  No.

I thought ‘being grown up’ meant I had to conform. I did in many ways. I didn’t like it. I shrank. I struggled to fit in…that meant trying to be accepted by the popular girls…which never happened, and of course, I took personally.

Attitude:

In the Washington Post magazine dated May 24, 2015, an essay by Jim Sollisch, a creative director at an ad agency in Cleveland, writes about an audacious decision he made in the 9th grade, and “marvels at the boldness of my decision…that wasn’t driven by principle as much as by ego and impulse, two things we learn to control as we become adults.” In  The Day I Stood Up to the Man  Sollisch says, “Humans are hard-wired to seek social approval, to join groups.  We are conformists who create norms for every organization we form, no matter how small.”  He wonders, “…what ideas I might not have censored, what risky paths I might have taken.  I’ll never know, but as I grow older, I grow younger.  I care less about what others think…I am inspired by the ghost of my former self…”

 

So, how can you tell when you’ve grown up?

 

-Are there audacious moves you have made that would make your ‘former self’ proud?

-Do you play with abandonment? Examples include: Dancing (even if you think you’re not good at it), singing (same as dancing), traveling somewhere you’ve never been, saying ‘yippee’, ‘wahoo’, ‘yaaaaaaaa’ often?

-Do you treat yourself?

-Do you know that not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay?

-Do you ask for what you want?

-Do you forgive your shortcomings? And, other people’s?

-Do you take responsibility for your actions?

-Have you stopped blaming your parents for how you were raised?

-Have you taken a risk now and then?

-Do you not conform to what society says you should, ‘be like’ ‘act like’ ‘look like’ ‘dress like’

at a certain age?

My 50th year high school reunion is coming up this August.  I would love to see Mr. Scott so I could tell him he set me on the path to being a grown-up and it only took me until I was 68 to figure out that I think I’ve arrived. “WAHOO,”  she says with reckless abandon!!

And you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Originally posted 2015-05-25 22:13:51.

8 Ways to Leave a Lasting Impression

Rant:

I have written about rebelling against the perception that when we reach a certain age, in the eyes of society, we no longer have much to contribute, see: Three Reasons to Revive Your Inner Boomer Well, the heck with society! There are ways we can circumvent that idea. We can leave a permanent mark on this world, on our children, grandchildren, friends and relations. In other words, we can leave a lasting impression.

What do I mean by leaving a lasting impression? To me it can be a shared thought, a deed, a profound experience, like the way someone shows up in a particular situation, that causes others to shift their actions, shift the way they show up, forever.

 

Rave:

We are all aware of people who made lasting impressions on us, whether famous or every day folks. I have a feeling if given the opportunity to ask who influenced them, they would have said their mom, dad, teacher, grandparents, preacher.  I started New Age Aging to share the lasting impressions my 95-year-old Mother has instilled in me and many others. See: When “Do As I Say becomes “Do As I Do”.

Producer Brian Grazer (Splash, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind) was interviewed by contributor Scott Simon on CBS Sunday Morning, March 29th, 2015: Brian Graser’s “Curious Mind”.  Simon states, “Grazer had trouble reading as a boy, but his grandmother Sonia didn’t just see the D’s and F’s on his report card.”  “She identified my strength which was to ask questions, to dig inside of subjects, to dig inside of people.  She told me that would have a great value in my life. And it did”, Grazer says, as he chokes up.

My step-son Jesse’s grandfather Herman was a sailor, magician and kid-at-heart.  He taught Jesse how to sail, how to do magic and much more.  Judging from the tattoo that Jesse has honoring Herman, it says everything it needs to say about the influence this man had on his grandson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Impressions that change our lives can come from not so positive places, too.  When I was 5 years old my Dad’s dad was bemoaning all the regrets he had in his life.  I remember saying to myself right then, “that will never happen to me.”  It was the beginning of my rebellious nature. Thanks, grandpa!

 

Attitude:

How can you create lasting impressions in your life?

–Do what you say you are going to do. Come from a place of integrity.

–Be curious. Take risks.

–Give back to this world.  Mentor.

–Look for the strengths in people. Tell them.

–Know that words are a powerful tool.  Use them wisely.

–Honor yourself and others: old, young, gay, straight, black, white,…

–Play, play, play.  Let them see the child within you.

–And, most importantly, live your best life…with few regrets.

If we can embrace these attitudes, I’m pretty sure we will have accomplished our goal: To say to those who would make us invisible…”GOTCHA!”

 

(Leaving a lasting impression is different from your legacy. Ann Ranson at intentionswork.com encourages people to gather, celebrate and share their stories. This is an intimate and loving gift to their families.)

 

 

Originally posted 2015-05-04 09:55:04.

Embracing Change is Complicated

Rant:

In the 1988 Die Hard movie, John McClane (Bruce Willis) is crawling through an air vent, being shot at by bad guys, repeating his wife’s invitation with a tone of sarcasm, “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…” Yes, John McClane had to embrace change. He had no choice. Neither did I.

”Maybe we’ll re-do the kitchen this year. Paint a few walls…” That was my husband and me recalling what we said at the beginning of 2014, as we surveyed the damage to our home from a flood April 30^th  which destroyed our first floor and basement (we live in a 3 story townhouse). A storm catch basin owned by the City of Alexandria and located at the back of our property, became blocked and poured water into our home for 2 ½ hours. We lived in our third floor bedroom, along with our 90 pound dog Sam, from April 30^th until the second week of December 2014. The City of Alexandria has claimed Sovereign Immunity, which basically means they think they are not liable for the damages. Add to that no flood insurance, the dust, the contractor issues, the noise, the close living quarters and it made for one heck of a 2014.

‘Wow, that’s quite a story,’ one could say, ‘ enough for one year.’  And they would be wrong.

This also happened in 2014:

My 94 year old Mother had a second hip replacement and had much more difficulty recuperating. We also had the ‘we don’t think you should be driving anymore’ conversation.

I lost a junior high school friend, in an instant, who had everything to live for.

My husband and I grew stronger as partners.  We stuck together, got angry together, threw our hands up together and cried together.

I trained 5 days a week to row in a premiere East Coast race, called The Head of the Charles, in Boston, Mass.  The pinnacle in many rowers’ careers.

Great friends and neighbors moved away.

With a friend’s encouragement, I walk/ran a 10K across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.

A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I rowed a 13 mile race with 7 great teammates and we won the gold medal for our category.

And, the hardest of all, our beloved Golden Retriever Sam died suddenly in December, one week after the last contractor walked out of the house.

 

Rave:

The day of the flood our neighbors came running with towels, grabbed furniture, the art, the dog, and got them out of the way preventing any further damage.  Family and friends helped pack the house so we could move everything that wasn’t damaged into storage.  Invites for dinner and drinks and offers of money (can you believe that!) kept us sane.

I raced the Charles with 3 incredible women who never stopped encouraging and challenging me. Our son and daughter-in-law, along with my husband and friends, came to Boston to cheer us on and celebrate our accomplishment.

I witnessed grace from my friend dealing with breast cancer.

I reconfirmed to myself that I was in good enough shape to place 21 out of 90, in my category, in the bridge race.

My mother is healthy, happy and living life to the fullest, with the help of an aide who has become a wonderful friend.

It was the first time that my husband and I cried together.  We have known each other for 13 years. It was over the death of our Golden Retriever, Sam.  The knowledge that we felt safe with each other to share our grief, raised our intimacy to a new level.

We had a memorable celebration on New Year’s Eve in a beautiful ‘new’ home that reflects both my husband and me.

 

Attitudes:

Embracing change is complicated. When things happen that are out of our control we feel vulnerable and powerless. I’ve gone from grief and despair to elation and excitement and back again.

What I learned is that every time I said ‘yes’ to something within my control, I took my power back.  I found within those ‘yes’ moments I was more present and appreciative than I had been in a very long time, even before the flood!

The universe throws curves our way, nothing can stop them.  We do have choices, however, in how we react.  Even when it is really hard, create opportunities to say ‘yes’ or recognize those opportunities being presented to you where saying ‘yes’ is an option.  Go ahead. Take your power back, even for a little while. What I wish for you is that the end result finds you grateful for having experienced it all.  I am.

 

 

 

 

Originally posted 2015-01-16 20:18:12.